Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Letter



This is the letter I sent to those implying that I am not "okay"....

Dear _____________,

As you know it is often more effective for me to communicate through writing, so here it goes.

First of all, I have no doubt that you love me and that you want to support us through this difficult time. For that, I am extremely thankful. I truly am sorry that so many people are affected by our situation. I wish I could take everyone’s pain away or just take it on myself.

A few things really bothered me about what transpired last week. I was genuinely hurt by the insinuation that I may not be “okay” – actually, more so by the reason behind it. I would completely understand the concern if I wasn’t able to get out of bed in the morning, if my kids were unhealthy and unhappy, if my house was a disaster, if I wasn’t able to make meals for my family and get them off to work and school, if I wasn’t seeking outside support, if I wasn’t getting out of the house (or out of the country)…. but because I didn’t get overly excited about the itinerary? I had already received the information via email, had printed it out myself, looked it over in detail, and spoke to ____ on the phone about it and thanked him, so I really just thought of it as a formality.

The other thing is that I am very comfortable in saying that some days I am not “okay”. In the support networks I have become involved with this is a very real and healthy way of grieving. We are only 4 months out from losing our son, 4 months out from having to make the unimaginable decision to let him go, 4 months out from holding him in our arms and saying goodbye. Not to mention that I am certain I am still postpartum (if that term even applies when there is no baby) with many hormones out of whack.

This experience has changed me on so many levels and so to hear things like “the old Leanna would have” stings really bad. The old Leanna would have her 3 beautiful boys here with her like they should be. I would give anything to have the “old Leanna” back. Don’t get me wrong, I am still me, but I am also trying to navigate through this journey we have been forced to take to find the new me as well. It’s hard, so very, very hard to understand all this and yes, sometimes I am fuzzy, sometimes I may not say the right things. Our world will forever be different. I will never be “okay” with the fact that my son isn’t here with us, but I am confident that I (we) will find some purpose and some peace. My hope is to eventually travel this road with dignity and grace. I just may struggle and stumble sometimes on how to do that.

Love forever,

5 comments:

Emalee said...

lea, I went to the Dr shortly after loosing kenner because I needed to change my antidepresant and sure enough postpartum is the word he used for me also......I think the letter is perfect, and in a perfect world you would have never had to write it, I am sorry we are going through this it sucks!

Monique said...

Well put, Lea. I wish we didn't have to justify ourselves to other people and that they'd understand but in some ways, I'm glad they don't. It just would make our journey a lot easier if they didn't try and "fix" things and just let us grieve in our own ways. I think you're doing exactly what you need to do and 4 months is such a short time. Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love to you.

Hope's Mama said...

Beautifully put, Lea.

Emily said...

Very well expressed. I hope they 'hear' you and understand what you say so well.

Angel said...

Lea,
Take all the time in the world to greive. You do not need to justify or explain. You are the new lea now and this is your new kind of normal. Your blog is so beautiful and yes our stories are soo similar . Be kind to you. And the fact that you are doing all that stuff for your family ie still functioning well any mum that has lost a baby would understand that you are doing just fine. but at the same time its Okay not to be okay!

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