Yesterday....

Yesterday was a tough day. If you ask me why, I don't know exactly (except that my sweet Nicholas isn't here with us). My oldest son was invited to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese and parents were requested to stay to keep an eye on the kids. To say I wasn't looking forward to it is an understatement, however, Evan was so excited! I think I was mostly dreading the small talk and fake smiles. As soon as we got there I noticed the mother of the birthday boy.... pregnant! Of course she had to be pregnant, right? I really just wanted to throw up right then and there, but marched over to introduce myself. She said "hi, we used to do gym class together with the kids... you were pregnant with your second, I guess?" I just nodded and smiled and tried desperately to keep the knot in my stomach from jumping out of my throat. That was it! No more small talk for me.... I actually ended up having a nice time with Evan. He had a blast, if anything can make me smile it is that.

Then we set out to Evan's hockey game. I am comfortable there.... all the parents are aware of our situation and are mostly sensitive (actually, they just avoid the subject all together). Soon after we arrived my SIL arrived with their new baby. Uhggggg! Gosh, I was just having a super emotional day anyway and then there she was in all her cuteness (and aliveness). A few (hidden) tears and several deep breaths later, I was okay. Okay enough to say hi to the baby and make a few little cute jokes, but not okay to grab her out of her mother's arms and snuggle.

I feel like I have been jipped out of that too. Out of a close relationship with my niece... out of the relationship my SIL and I once had. I really hope to one day get it back, it just hurts, hurts, hurts! I don't know if it's jealousy, envy or just plain devastation... a little of everything, I suppose.

We got home and I felt like I had been hit by a truck.. completely and utterly exhausted. It's amazing how grief can do that to you. I was in bed by 8pm.