This time last year we were preparing for an MRI at Sick Children's Hospital in Toronto to confirm the worst possible news about our unborn baby. We already knew. We already knew in our hearts that he was in a lot of trouble. We already knew that this 'confirmation' was hardly needed.
Although he felt blissfully happy and healthy inside my belly, he was not. He would not survive life without being snuggled inside his mama. He would not take a single breath of our air.
One of the very worst and distressing feelings about that time was the knowledge that there was no possible way for me to protect my child anymore. He couldn't stay inside of me forever... where I could feel him, touch him, love him. He would have to be born and he wouldn't survive the trauma that he faced. It's every parents torture. Every parents darkest, most horrendous nightmare - to know that you are helpless when it comes to your children.
I wish.
I wish so, so many things.
The most obvious is that I wish we were planning a huge first birthday bash for Nicholas. I wish I was struggling with what style of cake to make for him to mash his hands into. I wish he was taking his first steps, trying to keep up with his crazy brothers.
I wish.
I wish we could turn back the hands of time and hold our baby boy again. I wish I could feel the despair and anguish again - just to have one more moment with him.
I wish I had studied his body more closely. I wish I had unwrapped him from his beautiful blue blanket and studied his toes. I am positive he had his daddy's toes (both his brothers do). I wish I had studied his body. I wish I had taken in every little, precious detail. Every freckle. Every beauty mark. I wish I had held him skin to skin...
I wish I remembered more. I wish that the fog that plagued my brain and body that day didn't inhibit me from remembering more about our time together. Although, I must say that I am grateful for shock. Shock got us through more than we ever thought we could handle those last few days.
I wish.
I wish my parents met their grandson. I am at peace with my husband and my decision to be on our own with Nicholas, but sometimes I wish my mom got to hold him in her arms. To meet him, kiss him. I hope that he knows the love of his Nana.
My dad spent some sweet time with Nicholas at the funeral home. I am grateful for that, but it was different. I wish they were there (they would have been in a heartbeat - we asked them to stay with our other boys and keep things as 'normal' as possible for them)... the day that Nicholas was born into Heaven.
I wish I had the courage to keep him with us longer. I just remember thinking - this is it. We really have to say good bye to our son. We really have to hand him over to a nurse and then God knows what is going to happen to him, to his perfect little body. I was exhausted - I wish I had fallen asleep with him in my arms.
Of course, there are so many things that I am grateful for also. I am thankful that we took as many pictures of our boy as we did. Precious memories. The only ones we have. I am grateful for my wonderful, brave, strong husband. The very best daddy to our boys. I am forever touched by the time they were able to spend together. I am grateful for Nicholas' footprints. For nurses and doctors who displayed compassion and care like you wouldn't believe. Mostly, I am grateful for him. For Nicholas. Our youngest son who just so happened to get caught up in some horribly rare and deeply unfortunate event.
I am grateful for what this special little being has brought to our lives. I am grateful for the lessons he has taught us and so many others. I am grateful that he was brought into our lives, if only for a short time.
He is our Angel... our sweet, sweet Angel and I am proud to be his mommy.
14 comments:
Oh Lea, how I wish for you and all of us who have Angels.
Your little buddy is watching over you and your family.
Thinking of you and Nicholas.
Much love. XOXO
What a beautifully touching post, Lea. I wish so many things too, for you, for me, for all the mommies with little ones gone too soon. If only we could have packed a lifetime of love into those precious moments we had before having to say good-bye. Even so, we all loved them intensely and deeply then, and we can still send our love to them in heaven. He must be so touched by all you are doing to honor him. ((HUGS))
"I wish we could turn back the hands of time and hold our baby boy again." Me too, for you and the rest of us! Beautiful post Lea!
(((Hugs))) and feeling for your loss. In an odd serendipity I just posted a blog also about wishes. Thinking of you and your angel babe on the West Coast.
I wish you comfort. God Bless. ((HUGS))
Oh Lea, I could have written this post myself. So much of your story rings true for me, except that Calvin was born alive. But as long as he was inside me, there was no danger to him and I wish I could have stayed pregnant with him forever. I too didn't think to undress him and look at his body and I wish I had. I never got to see his little boy parts except in pictures and it's one of the things I deeply regret. Shane and I also chose to keep our moment with Calvin private as he passed away. I'm glad about this, but at the time I didn't know I could have spent more time with him. I didn't even think to ask if he could come back to our room with us where I could have held him longer. I didn't know about NILMDTS or I would have had someone professional take pictures of us all together. Most of all, I too wish I could hold my son again, even with all the anguish and heartache I was facing at the time. I would gladly do it over again for one more moment with my son. I've been thinking so much of you lately, as Nicholas and Calvin's angel dates are so close together. Know that I am walking this painful journey with you and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you my love
I wish for many impossible things too. It's so sad, our yearning for more of our children.
Thank you for sharing these sad but beautiful thoughts with us.
Much love, Lindsay
A beautiful touching post. So many who know a little of your pain (including myself) will echo so many of your wishes. While it can't be done over, be at peace with the decisions you made at the time in the most awful and harrowing of circumstances. No one can plan for how they might act in times like that, you can only do what feels right at the time. Trust that. Even if you'd do it differently now, that is because of what you know now. But I do hear what you are saying. I wish things could have been different too.
Hugs to you sweet Lea xox
I wish right along with you, Lea. I know these feelings all too well. So much of this post just takes me back to when Jenna was safe inside of me. I wish too...
But you have some really good points. And there are definitely some things to be grateful for. Like you, the staff was so hospitable through that whole time Jenna was getting more and more ill and also the day she died. And you are so right when you said- "I am grateful for the lessons he has taught us and so many others. I am grateful that he was brought into our lives, if only for a short time."
If all we get is that short time, it's so worth it.
xo
i posted about wishes tonight too. i know you commented on karen's page how she did the same thing. that makes 3 of us, unknown to the other 2 at the time.
our babies are playing together? maybe?
You never really forget those moments and dates where you life changed forever. You never really stop wishing about things you would and wouldn't have done. (((hugs))) Shock does get you through a lot.
So many familiar feelings...wishing I had held our son longer and unwrapped the blanket to see his toes...wishing his grandparents were there to meet him(instead of staying with our other children)...wishing things weren't so foggy from that day to remember everything...wishing we had kept our son with us longer...wishing I could turn back the hands of time...
Lea, thank you for this beautiful post.
Lea, I have tears streaming down my face. I could have wrote this. So many wishes....
He is a perfect, sweet, beautiful angel. Thank you for such a beautiful post. Know that you did everything right. You cared for Nicholas from the very start, and always will for the rest of your life. He is more then lucky to have you as his mommy! *hugs*
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