Sunday, September 27, 2009

Reassurance and Remembering


I have always said that feeling our babies move, wriggle, even kick me hard in the gut (not to mention on all of my internal scar tissue) is the very most reassuring part of pregnancy. To feel that new life growing and thriving inside of you is the single most miraculous thing about pregnancy. I lay down for a few minutes every day just to consciously connect with Little Miss Sunshine.

Feeling her flutters. Watching her poke at my belly button puts my heart at ease and makes me smile. She is growing, she is healthy.... she is alive.

However, as much as I adore those fabulous kicks and punches I can't help but think back to our time with Nicholas. He was such an active little guy. Always giving me a nudge when I least expected it. I will never, ever, ever forget his last kick before I knew he was gone. It was a real hefty one on the right side of my abdomen and I remember melting, wailing in a voice that didn't seem like my own ... knowing that he was about to slip away... knowing that would be my last memory of my little boy safe inside my womb. It breaks my heart over and over again to remember those last moments. I am catapulted back to that horrendous day each time Little Miss Sunshine gives me the slightest bump on the right side of my abdomen...

Having said that though, I must reiterate how thrilling it is to be growing another little being inside my belly. Every one of our children are true blessings. There is no disputing that. Although our lives have been touched by such a unimaginable tragedy, we are a very lucky family. Lucky to be honoured with each of our boys presence and beyond fortunate to be trusted, once again, with bringing another precious babe into this world.

14 comments:

Bluebird said...

I'm always a little confused when the present collides with the past like that :) But you're so right - blessings, every one. So glad you're able to enjoy feeling this little one just as you did Nicholas. A blessing indeed.

Catherine W said...

I can't imagine what a mixture of emotion another pregnancy brings. So much hope and so many memories of your time with Nicholas. Your memory of his last movements has me in flood of tears. I know that I have said this before but I'm so terribly sorry. Nicholas is such a beautiful little boy, I wish that he was with you.

Glad to hear that Miss Sunshine is thriving. Go little one!

Remembering Nicholas. xo

Rikki said...

I think feeling all of those kicks was my favourite part of being pregnant, other than the babies. I am so happy that you get to experience it again with little miss sunshine. xxx

Just Breathe said...

Beautiful picture. My prayers are with you for your loss and your new hope.

Hope's Mama said...

So true, Lea. We are lucky unlucky girls.
xo

margaret said...

I'm so happy for you Lea, happy for the precious miracle growing in your belly. No child could replace Nicholas, but hopefully the joy Miss Sunshine brings will displace some of the pain in your heart. I'm very much looking forward to the birth of your baby. Wishing you joy, hope and anticipation in the weeks to come. Hugging you

JenJen said...

I relive those memories too. ((hugs)) and I'm thrilled beyond belief that you have another chance to feel life inside of you. I, too, remind myself of how blessed am to have this opportunity again.

Tina said...

What a beautiful post and picture. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it must be so difficult to be reminded so often of the tragedy that has touched your life, but maybe it sweetly reminds you of your precious Nicholas at the same time. xx

Jennifer Ross said...

I couldn't agree with you more.

Much Love...

Kristy said...

Beautiful picture! Enjoy this amazing time, enjoy the kicks, the rolls...siigh, I miss them SO much. Thats my favourite part of pregnancy.

Your precious new baby will NEVER replace Nicholas, he now gets to be a big brother. She'll just be an extra special member of your family that you may not have met otherwise.

*hugs*

Emily said...

Lucky unlucky girls. I like that.

Mary said...

I always loved feeling those movements. I miss them so much.

Holly said...

There is no doubt they are pure blessings. I love the little kicks. They are so precious. Each and every one.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

This is so sad. I can only imagine feeling that last kick from Nicholas and how scary it is to know that the kicks can stop. I'm happy you get to experience this again and I know from experience how much more appreciative you feel over every nudge. Hugs.

Post a Comment