Congratulations

After reading Sally's post a few days ago, I have been trying to wrap my head around my own thoughts concerning the "C Word".

"Congratulations". Hmmm. I couldn't put my finger on what seemed very wrong with that word when referring to this new pregnancy...until I read some of Sally's words.

Sal makes so many good points. "What are you congratulating me for?" For getting pregnant again? For trying again? Yes, this new baby is a blessing, a true miracle, but, as Sally said, I don't feel like we should be congratulated until we have a live, healthy, baby in our arms.

"Congratulations" seems to dismiss our heartache of losing Nicholas. Maybe I feel awkward because I have a hard time flashing a smile and saying thank you when so many of the emotions I feel towards this pregnancy co-mingle with the ones I have about saying good-bye to our baby boy. Maybe I don't feel worthy of praise. Maybe I am afraid to accept any type of congratulations until our new baby is here and safe in the arms of her mommy and daddy.

"Congratulations" just seems like the thing to say when you see an obviously pregnant mother. "Congratulations, you must be so excited. Congratulations, you must be so proud". When I was pregnant with the boys, yes, I was all of those things... and very naive on top of it. With Little Miss Sunshine, I am first and foremost hopeful. But I am also a nervous wreck. As much as I try to stay positive, somedays, the anxiety gets the best of me and I am exhausted from worry, from grief, from trying with all my might to keep this little one safe and protected. I couldn't do that with her brother. I couldn't keep him safe in the end... that haunts me every single day.

People mean well. I know they do. From the outsider, looking in, we look like a perfect, happy, little family.... expecting our third child. I can accept "congratulations" from these people. They don't know the pain we hold in our hearts along with the joy of being blessed with this new life. They don't know the horror we went through only a year ago when we had to kiss our little boy good-bye. They don't know the anxiety we go through on a daily basis, praying that this little girl gets to know her brothers here, on this earth. And so, from these every day people, who don't know us, don't know our Nicholas, I humbly accept their "congratulations".

It's the people who do know. The people who have chosen to ignore our loss, because it's easier for them that way. It's the people who say "congratulations" excitedly, all the while knowing that our last pregnancy ended in such a devastating way. It's the people who have never even uttered our son's name, but who feel obliged to happily exclaim "congratulations" on your pregnancy.... as if Nicholas never existed. It's these people who I cannot accept congratulations from. It's these people who hurt me so deeply.

Nicholas deserves to be acknowledged. He is so loved and very much a part of our growing family. Like Sally alluded to, there was only one nurse that I can remember who congratulated us on Nicholas' birth. One lovely woman who told us how gorgeous he was, how precious he was and what a wonderful addition he was/is to our family. I will never, ever forget her. For someone to see through the despair and bleakness of that day that was his death, this woman recognized his life... from the instant she saw him. She congratulated us on creating this perfect little creature.

Looking back on that moment, I can smile and feel proud. Feel proud that our Nicholas is worthy of congratulations.

Thanks, Sal.... for making me think.

xo