Monday, September 14, 2009

Escaping Hearts


The following post is inspired by a very close neighbour/friend of ours who watched her 4 year old son get on the school bus for the very first time last week. What she said as the bus pulled away with all of those tiny, smiling faces waving back, has been echoing in my head ever since.

We both stood in tears at that bus stop as my oldest son took her son's hand and walked him up those big steps to what would be his first day of Junior Kindergarten. As the bus pulled away, this neighbour/friend looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "and there goes your heart... on the bus."

I have been thinking about how so very true that statement is. There are so many times in our life where our heart is seemingly ripped from our chest and then neatly (or not so neatly) tucked back in again. Our children are our hearts. They represent such an important part of us that those kinds of moments and milestone leave our hearts reeling on the sidelines.

My husband and I have experienced so many of those moments with our two oldest children. When they first locked eyes with us, when they flashed that first smile, when they started to walk and talk, when they began school. There are so many firsts, firsts that will just continue to cause our hearts to beat out of our chest.

Saying goodbye to Nicholas gives "and there goes your heart" a drastically different meaning. Handing him over to the nurse after our precious time with him was nothing short of unbearable. How the Human Spirit can survive something like that is beyond the imagination. My heart went out our hospital room door that day, in the arms of a loving, caring stranger, but, nonetheless, a stranger. He was no longer in his mommy and daddy's arms where he belonged. No longer safe. No longer alive on this earth with us. I honestly believe that my heart literally left my body that day, with my son, with all of the hopes and dreams we had for him.

Of course my heart was found again. Not all of it. So much of my love, my protection, my pride went with Nicholas that special day. But some of it was found. Some of it was tucked (not so neatly) back into my chest. How could it not be? That is where I carry my precious boy with me... forever and a day.

13 comments:

JenJen said...

You always write so eloquently, but I have to tell you that I think this is the most lovely post of yours that I've read. Your words take me back to the day that I had to hand over Lily to the nurses. My heart changed that day, too.

Kristy said...

Beautiful...I know part of my heart walked away with both of my sons the days the nurses took them from us. Like you said, handing them over was unbearable. They were supposed to come home with me, not go home without me. I'm glad you have part of your heart back...at times, mine hurts so much i'm not sure it will ever be the same. Of course its here with me as I have an incredible husband and two miracles on earth, but it will never be the same heart as it was before.
*hugs* to your heart.

Carly K. said...

Oh Lea, this is so touching, brought tears to my eyes. I understand what you mean about "there goes your hear" taking on a whole new meaning. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Just Breathe said...

Beautiful post. How true.

Mary said...

Leaving the hospital without my son was one of the most heartbreaking moments. I did feel like it went away and has yet to return. Thank you for sharing this quote.

Catherine W said...

This is such a beautiful post Lea. Our hearts do get tucked back into our chests, not neatly, not without bruising, not the same. But we do get some of our hearts back. You are so right, how else would we be able to carry our children with us. xo

Malory said...

oh how this post says it all so well & the tears are falling...

Hope's Mama said...

Spot on, as always Lea. Still waiting for my heart to come back I think, but I'm getting closer to finding it again now.
xo

Almost a Mother said...

Oh, Lea. You say things so beautifully. I really needed to see this today-I had one of my colleagues today "whining" (or so I thought earlier) about how much she missed her oldest son who just recently went to college. She said "I feel like a piece of me is missing!"
I was so ticked off. I was screaming on the inside, "LET ME TELL YOU WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE A PIECE OF YOU MISSING THAT DOESN'T COME HOME EVERY OTHER WEEKEND"
But the truth is, she's right. And I need to simmer down and have some more compassion. *sigh*

Once A Mother said...

so true, i know that feeling... of your heart leaving with your child.

Tina said...

Beautifully written. You are so right, my heart left when I turned my girls over to the nurse for the very last time. Sure it has bandages over it holding it together, but it will never be the same.

Holly said...

So true. Our children will always carry a piece of our hearts with them. I wouldn't want it any other way, for any of my children.

Seraphim said...

I thought of you as I walked out of surgery yesterday. I left my little one there and had only his blankets left to hold. My immediate thought was if it hurts my heart to have left him (if only briefly) how must is be for you without Nicholas?
I just want you to know that you and he were in my thoughts yesterday and as I prayed for my son, I prayed for you too.
Lots of love
S xxx

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