Support

My cousin and her family were here for a 3 week visit the beginning of July. They drove in from Colorado and we enjoyed our visit so much. The kids hit it off as though they have been best friends for years!

My cousin hadn't seen Nicholas' garden yet. I was proud to show her and very grateful by her loving response. She sat by Nicholas' Garden on her own for while, really feeling his presence in our family and the strong bond that we share with him. Then she did something that a grieving mother/father often longs for.... she invited her family to sit with us and say a prayer. I can't begin to describe the graciousness, the pride, the love I felt at that moment. Our baby boy was being honoured by people who had never met him. He was being loved and recognized as the beautiful boy that he was. The tears flowed openly, but so did the smiles. I am so very grateful for such wonderful, caring and supportive people in our lives.

A lot of visits

Dear Nicholas,

I wanted to take a minute to thank you for visiting us so often this summer. You always seem to know when mommy's heart needs a little lift. You fly in... often to your brother and he comes running.... "Mommy, mommy, a ladybug! Nicholas wants to play!" You have been in the garden while the boys pick beans for dinner, you have been sunbathing on the dock when the kids are swimming in the water. The most special visit was on August 7. Exactly 21 months since we said hello and goodbye in the same breath. Kyle proudly brought you to me... thank you.

We are so lucky to have you in our lives.

Love you baby boy.

Our Ladybugs

Madison "hangin" with her brother...

Miss you, Nicholas

Hey Everyone,

We are home for a few days and I have been trying to check in on all of you. Please know that I think of so many of you ~ always.

I awoke with a heavy heart today. Two years ago today I experienced, what turned out to be, the beginning of the end with my sweet Nicholas.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 is a horrible memory etched permanently on my soul. It is presumably the day when my body failed him, failed me, failed us.... I failed to provide the necessary means to help our baby grow.

As irrational as it is I still feel tremendous guilt over this. I suspect, as a mommy, I always will.

My heart hurts today as I remember what could have been ~ what should have been.

Miss you, baby boy.

On Our Way...

All packed up and ready to go...even sweet Nicholas... how very wrong it is to have to "pack" your son's ashes for a vacation..... sigh. We will all be together.

Talk soon.

Our Summer

Some of you may remember from last summer that the boys (and now girl) and I head up North to our family cottage for the majority of the summer. Well, it's that time again. We plan to head up next week sometime and make some more wonderful memories.

I am definitely in a different place than where I was this time last year. I feel a lot more like myself (albeit a changed self), I feel clearer and more settled. For the most part, I finally feel at peace. I still have crappy days. I still have moments where I ache for my little boy. But, I feel like I have more moments where I remember him, smile and know that I am a better person for having him in my life.

The flashbacks are still there. When I least expect them and they are terrifying... heart-wrenching... and cruel. It's like a thick fog invading my head and a vice gripping at my heart. The worst part is that I can't control them. They are unpredictable and almost impossible to hide. So I just deal as best I can and "snap" out of it when I can.

I was at the post the other day mailing some Angel Wings to the States, England, Spain.... I didn't have enough postage on one of the packages so the clerk started adding some loose 10 cent stamps. Any idea what the last penny stamp was? Yes, a ladybug...

Nicholas comes to "visit" often. I love it. I love him. I miss him. I know that he is okay.

So anyway, while at the cottage I don't have access to a computer or the internet (ahhhhh...), however, we will be back and forth to home and I will be checking in.

Love to you all.

Lea xx

Face

Kyle had his end of year BBQ for Nursery School today. One of the mom's was doing some face painting. You can see what Kyle decided to have put on his face.... not spider-man like the rest of his friends.

Need I say more? I love this kid.