Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Miss you, Nicholas

Hey Everyone,

We are home for a few days and I have been trying to check in on all of you. Please know that I think of so many of you ~ always.

I awoke with a heavy heart today. Two years ago today I experienced, what turned out to be, the beginning of the end with my sweet Nicholas.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 is a horrible memory etched permanently on my soul. It is presumably the day when my body failed him, failed me, failed us.... I failed to provide the necessary means to help our baby grow.

As irrational as it is I still feel tremendous guilt over this. I suspect, as a mommy, I always will.

My heart hurts today as I remember what could have been ~ what should have been.

Miss you, baby boy.

15 comments:

LindaCatherine said...

Lea,
My heart is hurts for you - I know, and Nicholas knows the love you have for him, and that if there was anyway you could change the past you would. Don't be too hard on yourself today....and know that I am thinking about you!

xx
Linda

The Blue Sparrow said...

Lea, Sending lots of prayers your way and lots of virtual hugs!

Kate said...

Thinking of you Lea. I think we will always carry a bit of guilt...I have a feeling that is normal for us LBM. Hugs to you Lea...thinking of Nicolas and your family. XOXO

Erica said...

Oh Lea, I wish I had some comforting words for you, but I feel a lot like you do. My angel Baby anniversary is on Saturday and I still feel guilty as well. You and I both know that truely there was nothing that we could have done differenty to save our sweet angels, but that does not make the hurt any more bearable. No matter how "irrational" guilt may seem, it is completely valid. Please know that you are in my thoughts, as is your sweet baby Nicholas. Sending you strength and gentleness xoxoxoxo ~Erica

Jill said...

Thinking of you and sending love your way! xo

Hope's Mama said...

Such a hard time. Thinking of you.
xo

Mary said...

I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your guilt. I know that if you could have done something to help him, you would. And he knows too. Sending you thoughts of peace as you come upon Nicholas' anniversary.

Sarita Boyette said...

Lea, my heart breaks for you. You and your family are in my prayers daily. A ladybug visited me the other day, and I thought of Nicholas and two other babies whose moms associate ladybugs with. I was surprised, because I never see ladybugs. Remembering your special little boy with you, dear. xoxoxo
Forgot to tell you, click on my name when you get a chance - I have a blog now.

Carly said...

Oh Lea, my heart is hurting with you. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Carly

lost--for--words said...

Thinking of you and Nicholas.... I totally understand you about the guilt thing. Just know that Nicholas feels your love and sends tons to you in return ((hug))

margaret said...

Weeping with you Lea....for our sons, our precious, precious sons. While you were going through your own hell during this time, I was going through mine here on the other side of the country. I'm so sorry Lea. I'm afraid I'm feeling too weepy to offer you much comfort right now but please know that you are very much in my thoughts right now, along with our boys. Much love...

Kara's Mom said...

We never stop missing them. I just brought home my rainbow babies 10 days ago, and every single day, I cry at some point over Kara and what should/could have been for us. We miss her so very much, and it was 2 years ago on June 4th. I know it will never get easier...how could it when you never, ever stop loving and missing your babby? The baby you never got to shower with love. It's so very hard. wishing you peace today and always.

Holly said...

Thinking of you ♥

Bluebird said...

Thinking of you honey.

Debbie said...

I, too, am thinking of you. <3

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