Some Answers

Thank you all for such a positive response. It's always nice to know who is reading and who may be getting something out of our personal experience.

Lesley

Lea,
There is a question I know I have been pondering myself, and wanted to throw it out there to you and your readers. After we lost our only daughter in 2009, we knew that we wanted to try to have another baby. Our Rainbow baby boy was born in april 2010. People keep asking us if we are "done" and I struggle with the answer. There is a want deep within me, but I can't tell if that feeling is the wanting of another baby, or just wanting the daughter I lost. Does anyone else feel that way? How do you separate the feelings?

Caroline

You should know that some of my most comforting moments in this terrible journey have come from you. Never doubt the incredible support you offer to those of us struggling along the way.
I would be intersted in knowing how you knew you were ready to try again.

*************

Such honest questions, Lesley and Caroline. I think they are fairly similar in nature so I thought I'd offer my advice and thinking of both together.

Lesley ~ Although I am not in the same position, I can honestly say that I would most probably feel some of the same way. My husband and I always said that we would try to have 3 children. We each come from 3 children homes and I guess it just felt right to us. Nicholas was our third baby. When we were given his devastating diagnosis and prognosis our hearts were broken, our souls shattered. We survived for 1 1/2 weeks knowing that our son was not going to make it and in that time we searched for answers and for solace. We talked to him, we sang to him, we rubbed him and cradled him while safe in my belly. We asked him for strength.. for any kind of courage to face the days without him. Nicholas' force became apparent when we got pregnant with our rainbow. I felt his support and encouragement every step of the way.

Lesley ~ I remember thinking during the entire pregnancy with Madison that, although first and foremost I prayed for a healthy, live baby.. I secretly prayed for a girl. I honestly felt like having a girl in my arms would help me through the anxiety of holding another newborn. That one something different from Nicholas. A different dynamic. A little pink hat rather than a blue one to remind me of Nicholas' little face. Personally, I was also afraid that having a little boy would be like a replacement Nicholas to some people. I was fiercely afraid of that. Afraid that somehow his memory would be erased in other's minds because another little boy was with us. Probably really silly, but so unbelievably true. When the doctors continually said we were having a girl I wasn't convinced. After three boys, I was sure we would be adding another beautiful son to our family. And when she was born the anxiety, mixed with the sheer joy of a safe arrival was still there. The pink hat didn't matter... Nicholas' face is etched in my soul.

Caroline ~ yours is a question I struggled with for quite a while... even once we became pregnant again. That's the thing. I don't believe we are ever completely "ready" for a subsequent pregnancy after such a heartbreaking loss. Our hearts are forever changed. Our minds forever filled with fear of the unknown. We will never have another calm, gentle and naive pregnancy. I can't pinpoint the exact time we chose to try again. All we knew was that we desperately needed to bring some hope back to our lives and to our living children's lives. And although our pregnancy with Madison was extremely nerve wracking it was most definitely filled with hope. It gave us a positive focus and something to believe in again. In the end, it was the best thing for us and for our family. I think it's pretty fitting that we call Madison "Little Miss Sunshine"... she has brought some much needed sunshine back to our lives.

I think we also worry so much about our lost babies being forgotten... especially once a rainbow comes along. For us that couldn't be further from the truth. Nicholas is with us every single day. He and Madison share such a special and unique bond. I truly believe that he was by her side the night she was born and is flying above ensuring her safety always. James will most certainly do the same for his mommy and new baby brother or sister when the time comes. He will always be engrained in your family. Your very own Guardian Angel.

Holly

think this is great of you to want to help so much.

I was curious...how many angel wings have you sent out to date?

Holly ~ without being super accurate... I have posted over 450 wings and posted out approximately 400. ~ crazy!

Open Forum - Questions For Me?

I've said it before.... there have been many people IRL lately who have been forced to join this awful club. Old friends, new friends, friends of friends... all women who have had to say goodbye to their precious babies much too soon. There is a pull in my heart... a desire to want to try to help. To try to offer comfort. To try to find some words that allow both understanding of current pain and hope for the future.

I'm not convinced that I am doing a good job.

That's where you (Nicholas' Touch readers) come in.

No matter where you are in your journey...

Whether your pain is fresh and still soul searing... or the raw pain has gently subsided...

I would love to hear from you.

Is there anything in particular that you would like my perspective on in terms of this journey?

Are there any direct questions that I can answer honestly and truthfully for you?

Please let me know. I would love some direction.... some guidance in my quest to help...

With Love,

Lea

Balsam Lake will never be the same...

Thought about you so much yesterday, Nicholas. We've been to some pretty tough funerals... this one was not an exception.

The tears flowed freely as I remembered some great memories with C, as I imagined the pain the family is feeling, as I remembered the closeness your Nana and Papa shared with her.

The tears flowed freely for her sons. Realizing what a special and strong support they have lost.

The tears flowed freely for her husband. Grief stricken and devastated by the fact that his life's partner was taken so tragically.

The tears flowed freely as I held you close to my heart, sweet boy... as I flashed back to the agonizing moments of saying goodbye to you, one of our most precious possessions in this world.

The tears flowed freely as I realized that there is now one more beautiful soul in Heaven looking out for you.

We'll miss you, C. Balsam Lake will never be same....

Blossom

Looking at the calendar the other day I realized just where we'd be had "Blossom" survived. July 15 was our due date and it's hard to believe that we are almost upon July. Madison decided to show up 4 weeks early... I can't help but think about the fact that this baby could have showed up early and been home right now...

Amazing what a blink of an eye can do. Amazing what the universe can throw at the human spirit...

To be honest, we weren't ready for another baby. I wasn't convinced that I could physically or emotionally endure another pregnancy. I was fairly certain that my mind would finally break from terror and I definitely wasn't confident that we could make it to the end. The emotional hazard of experiencing the horrifying loss of a baby, I guess.

But, in the short time that we knew about "Blossom", we planned, we accepted, we tried to put our minds at ease..... and we were comfortable with the fact that, once again, we had been blessed.

Every so often I think about what could have been where "Blossom" is concerned. I believe that our baby was taken because something wasn't right, but it doesn't make the wonder any less.

Just watching the calendar in remembrance and healing.....

A Ladybug Visit to Soothe our Soul

We saw a ladybug this morning.

Perfectly perched on our magnolia tree.

Peaceful and still.

A vibrant colour of red...

it reminded me of your hair.

The most perfect and gentle combination of crimson and auburn.

The ladybug landed and decided to stay for a while.

Kyle couldn't take his eyes off of it and I imagined what was swirling around in his innocent 5 year old head.

The ladybug flew away after several minutes... Kyle piped up;

"Mommy, he flew away. High in the sky to the real Nicholas."

Bless his beautiful heart.


We miss and think about you every day, sweet Nicholas.