This Year

In the past few weeks I have been asked on different occasions how I am feeling as Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day approaches.

"Are you feeling better than last year?"

"Is the pain still as intense?"

I have struggled with the answer to these questions. My initial reaction is that I don't know. I find it very difficult to quantify what I am feeling most days. My heart tells me one thing and my brain tells me the opposite. Just when I think I am calm and enjoying everything that is a miracle in our life, something triggers a memory and I am catapulted back to our darkest, most horrifying memories of losing our son.

There are days when I can honestly say that I am not feeling quite as anxious this year. I am not feeling quite as sad. I am not feeling quite as overwhelmed. I have settled. My heart feels some peace alongside the ache. My faith is beginning to rise again. The joy is comfortably mingling with the grief.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel these things, actually, I feel a million and one different things when it comes to this journey on a daily basis, I just feel them differently this year. I now know (from last years experience) that the anticipation of the day is much more traumatic than the day itself. I know (from last years experience) that we want to mark Nicholas' day by doing something special for him and other Angels because that is what makes my heart feel good. I know (from last years experience) that we want to keep busy. We need a plan. We want to remember and love Nicholas, but we want to be busy and focus on doing something positive to honour him and what he means to our family. I also know that my tummy does flip flops just trying to fathom the fact that it has almost been two years since we held our precious boy.

We have healed tremendously from those early months. Our family is strong. Our love is good. We are blessed beyond belief.

This journey we are on is beyond treacherous. It is cyclical. It is linear. It is bumpy and it is smooth. It is most definitely painful and scarring, but, I dare say that sooner or later there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Light that only you can touch. Light that often only you can see. Reach for it and remember that it's there when those bad days arise. Remember that it will shine again, when you are ready.

Two years later I definitely have had some radiant light shine on my life. I truly believe that Nicholas has been an integral part of that. He is a huge source of strength for me, for us. He will guide us through the next few weeks with as much ease and grace as possible.

I count on it.