Thursday, May 27, 2010

Deep

Post Traumatic Stress.

Today was the first time I heard these words, from a professional, in describing myself.

I had another session with my councilor today and it was a rough one. Interesting, because just a few days ago I was contemplating canceling as I didn't feel like I had anything new/different to talk about. Boy, was I wrong.

These doctors certainly have a way to get you to dig deep. Deeper than I have dared to go. I went to a place in my mind, in my heart today where I haven't allowed myself to go in a very long time.

Compartmentalizing. That is what she called it. When you tuck away feelings, memories in a neat little "box" and bury it deep... in an effort to protect yourself and others.

I have been having these flashbacks. Flashbacks to the day before I birthed Nicholas. The day before we held him in our arms. The day that I lay in sheer horror, in a hospital, with my baby boy kicking away inside of me, at the thought of what we had to do next. The day I felt his very last kick. The day Nicholas' soul left my body forever.

For so long I was focused on the day we laid eyes on him. The day we got to kiss his beautiful face, breathe his pure, gentle smell...the day we said goodbye. I seemed to "forget" or surpress the memories leading up to that moment. Those memories are much too hard to remember, and yet, I did today, in explicit detail.

In between sobs and catching my breath, I described the moment my son died. I described how it felt. I described what I felt. Horror. Shock. Indescribable anguish. Soul searing pain. I remembered the doctors. I remembered their words (the good and the bad). I remembered squeezing my husbands hand and screaming like an animal.... unbelievably unnatural. Unbelievably cruel. I remembered being ushered to our room after the "procedure" was done. A room where I would labour my dead baby. A room where I would wait to meet our beautiful son. A room where my body would just not let go. I laboured for hours and hours as doctors and nurses came in and out like we were going through a normal process...

For so long I have blocked these memories from my mind. But now, they creep up on me... in my dreams... as I give the kids a bath... as I hold Madison in my arms... as I give the boys a kiss goodnight... they haunt me... they follow me...they don't allow me to rest.

And then a ladybug lands on my shoulder, as he did this afternoon, in the middle of my driveway... I feel a sense of calm. A sense of understanding. A sense that my baby boy is with me always... as he is always with me.

11 comments:

Noelle said...

Thank you for this beautiful post. It was very touching to me.

croleyc69 said...

Sending you some {{HUGS}} and praying for you so much.

Caroline

Hope's Mama said...

The day Hope died is by far the worst day in my mind. I bury thoughts of that day all the time.

Unique Gowns said...

{{{{ Lea }}}} sending shimmering angel kisses to your precious son Nicholas x

elena said...

Sending virtual hugs your way. I am glad that you were able to talk about that day, though I am sure it was rather difficult. I still tear up when I even think about that moment. How sweet that Nicholas sent a little ladybug to comfort you.

love and prayers
elena

Carly said...

Lea,

It is so tough to think about those memories. You are very brave to have talked about them. Nicholas is always with you, always watching over you. He is such a sweet and special boy. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Carly

Karen said...

I am glad you are able to talk about this with your counselor. Thinking of you today...

Monica said...

I had a month where the flash backs were really intense and frequent. It almost seemed like I needed to recognize how horrible it was, losing Gracie and now they don't come as often and I don't feel as hurt when the flashbacks come. thanks for sharing this, I know I'm not alone.

Sarita Boyette said...

Lea, I am so sorry - I wish I could take away your pain.What a horrible experience you have gone through.I have visited many counselors over the years, and I do know the right one can help.I pray your counselor is able to lead you to a more peaceful place. Nicholas will always be in your heart, and I honor him with you. (((HUGS)))

With Out My Punkin said...

He is always with you! ((hugs))

Holly said...

I hope that you will be able to work through these memories since you have recognized suppressing them. I'm sure it is so difficult. I'm sorry

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