I Will Carry You

There has been a lot of talk of Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You the last few weeks. I just watched this touching video that Angie and her husband, Todd taped. It gives an honest, inspiring look into the loss of their fourth daughter, Audrey and the journey they are taking together.

Wow - we talk about "grief moments" here often. I am definitely having one of them.... so many raw, tender moments brought right back to the surface.

Angie's book will be available at all bookstores May 1st. I look forward to reading it.

Heartbroken

I have met so many truly amazing, strong and inspiring women along this agonizing journey. Women who share the tragic bond of losing a child. Women who I feel such a strong connection to. Women who I would defend and support in an instant.

Many of these women are not "friends" I see on a daily basis. In fact, many of these women I have not met in person and yet I still consider them my soul sisters. We all have our own stories of loss. We all have our own struggles. We all try desperately to roll with the punches we are given....we all somehow continue to put one foot in front of the other.

With the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique I get many requests for Angel Wings. Many of the stories I read with tears streaming down my face. Tears for the parents. Tears for the babies gone too soon. Tears of understanding and tears of sheer horror when I realize just how many of us there are out there. Each story is unique. Each story is heartbreaking. Each story touches my soul. I am honoured to help comfort, but so terribly sad that this service is needed at all.

There is a very special person in my life who is suffering so much right now. She just keeps getting knocked down and it is getting so exhausting for her to continue to get back up. I feel for her. I feel her pain intensely and want so badly to help... to wave that magic wand and make good things happen for her. She deserves it. She more than deserves. It just hurts me so much to feel so helpless. I am trusting that she knows I am here for her - as much or as little as she wants me to be.

Love and positive thoughts are warmly welcomed.

xx

Respect

I really wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again... to others, that is.

Spring is here again and everyone is happily emerging from the safety of their homes to enjoy the beautiful, warm sunshine. People are out walking their dogs, pushing their babies down the street, kids are laughing and giggling at the park... I am among those people. My children are among those kids. So why do I feel so isolated?

With the exception of some truly wonderful, supportive friends on our street, I feel at a loss when I'm out with the kids. Maybe it's just me. I admit that my self confidence has suffered since the loss of Nicholas. I'm certainly not always the outgoing, bubbly, approachable person I think I once was. Holding your dead baby will do that to you. Having part of your soul leave your body tends to alter your personality a little. I feel a lot more jaded, a lot more misunderstood. Some days are definitely better than others. Some days I feel strong. Some days I look back at the past year and a half and think... not a lot of people could endure what we have endured and still be standing. Other days I feel like I will crumble under all of the pressure. The pressure of grief, the pressure of being the mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, I want to be.... I am so easily overwhelmed and I can't seem to ward off the feeling of lonliness some days. I want to be better. I want to be happier. I want to be more comfortable in my own skin.

Our boys and Miss Madison help with all of those things. They are the reason I am still pushing on. The reason the future is bright. The reason for the smile on my face and the love in my heart. I just wish I didn't feel like such an outcast in my own neighbourhood... I heard someone else say that this kind of tragedy isn't contagious... you can come near me. You can talk to me. You can't "catch" a dead baby.

I'm not going to break. I'm not going to dissolve into tears (probably not). I am, however, going to expect the common courtesy of respecting my children - all of them.

A baby boy

So, my brother and his wife had a baby last Friday.

A healthy, beautiful, baby.

A boy.

My feelings are so mixed... so full of emotion right now.

I am thankful that this baby has come into our world, happy, healthy... and alive. I am grateful that I have another nephew to love on.. to watch grow up.

I am just so incredibly anxious thinking about seeing, possibly holding him. Is that crazy? All of the newborns I have been around since losing Nicholas seem to have been girls and for some reason, that one something different, makes all the difference.

**Sigh** I thought this was supposed to get easier. I miss you, baby boy.

xx

What Might Have Been... What Is...

I was sent this poem by a dear, beautiful friend. She said she thought of us right away. As I read, my entire body is covered in goosebumps and the tears sting my eyes. My sentiments, exactly.

What Might Have Been...
What Is

I want what might have been...
And I want what is...
I want the child I do not have,
And I want the child that has come after.
I cannot choose
One or the other,
My heart wants both.
What might have been,
A sturdy lad,
Baseball bats,
Football helmets,
Squiggly worms on hooks
Dirt and mud and
Burps and booms.
What is now,
A charming girl,
Raggedy Anne,
Stuffed bears,
Curls and ribbons on hair
Tea and cookies and
Squeals and giggles.
How can I choose
From two blessings,
One gone too soon
One here by miracle?
I cannot...
But if I could...
I would want both...
What might have been...
And what is...

Lisa Sculley
In memory of Joey Sulley 7/16/ to 10/7/ SIDS and with love to Leslie Sculley, Born 3/19/

Flew Away

This is our middle son, Kyle, today with a ladybug on his arm:

"Mommy, Nicholas came to play with me!"

After quite a few minutes of laughing and giggling....

"Mommy, Nicholas just flew away again..."

Bless his heart.

xx

17 Months...

I was trying to figure out why I had this extra little twinge in my heart today and then it hit me. April 7. 17 months. Unbelievable. I know that we have all said it 100 times, but time seems to fly by.... and yet it stands still.

It's so difficult to comprehend that our Nicholas has been gone from this world for so long because he is such a special part of our lives. I can smell his sweet, fresh baby smell like it was yesterday. Each time I close my eyes and remember my boy, I can see his beautiful, red lips, red hair...perfectly chubby face. I can also feel the vice like grip on my heart as I remember those heartwrenching moments of letting him go.... I can feel the sting from the free flowing tears as I desperately try to catch my breath.

Sigh...

We love you so much, baby boy. You have touched so many lives and continue to be such an inspiration to me.

Just the other night (Easter Sunday Night) we had your candle lit. When I asked Daddy if he had blown it out when he came up to bed he said:

"Yes, it was the hardest thing I had to do today..."

That sums it up, sweet Nicholas. You are deeply loved and missed.

xx

Our Angels Easter

Wishing all of our Angels a very happy Easter. I am going to bed, dreaming of a beautiful, colourful, fun Easter Egg hunt in Heaven.....

Love you all.

xxx

Happy Easter Baby Boy

Missing you tonight, buddy. Another Easter without you here, where you belong. Daddy and I (I mean the Easter Bunny) just finished hiding the Easter Eggs and primping the Easter Baskets for your brothers and sister... Your Angel Bear is there too, with a perfect, little, gold egg... one I wish you would be cramming into your mouth as a 1 1/2 year old.

Loving you more each day and always kissing you goodnight.

xxxx

Thank you to the beautiful, Beth for the following picture. She said it reminded her of a "certain" boy....