Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Respect

I really wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again... to others, that is.

Spring is here again and everyone is happily emerging from the safety of their homes to enjoy the beautiful, warm sunshine. People are out walking their dogs, pushing their babies down the street, kids are laughing and giggling at the park... I am among those people. My children are among those kids. So why do I feel so isolated?

With the exception of some truly wonderful, supportive friends on our street, I feel at a loss when I'm out with the kids. Maybe it's just me. I admit that my self confidence has suffered since the loss of Nicholas. I'm certainly not always the outgoing, bubbly, approachable person I think I once was. Holding your dead baby will do that to you. Having part of your soul leave your body tends to alter your personality a little. I feel a lot more jaded, a lot more misunderstood. Some days are definitely better than others. Some days I feel strong. Some days I look back at the past year and a half and think... not a lot of people could endure what we have endured and still be standing. Other days I feel like I will crumble under all of the pressure. The pressure of grief, the pressure of being the mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, I want to be.... I am so easily overwhelmed and I can't seem to ward off the feeling of lonliness some days. I want to be better. I want to be happier. I want to be more comfortable in my own skin.

Our boys and Miss Madison help with all of those things. They are the reason I am still pushing on. The reason the future is bright. The reason for the smile on my face and the love in my heart. I just wish I didn't feel like such an outcast in my own neighbourhood... I heard someone else say that this kind of tragedy isn't contagious... you can come near me. You can talk to me. You can't "catch" a dead baby.

I'm not going to break. I'm not going to dissolve into tears (probably not). I am, however, going to expect the common courtesy of respecting my children - all of them.

17 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Having so many of the same thoughts of late. You'll see that from my most recent post.
Your posts always speak so closely to my heart, Lea.
Sort of glad it is winter almost upon us here. So I can hide inside and snuggle with my boy, away from the rest of the world.
Remebering Nicholas.
xo

Jaime said...

How did you snatch that post out of my head?! I can relate to every single word. xo

Cristin said...

Wow, somehow you just voiced my feelings. I feel those same feelings, and struggle with those same issues. I think the thing no-one can understand is the time and effort it takes to find our own new normal after losing our boys. I know that 8 months seems like a long time to most people, and sometimes it does to me too, but then at the same time, it feels like only a moment. My grief and broken heart are sooo close to the surface. It has taken me this long to learn to live all the while cradling my grief. And it is a precarious perch we are on daily.

croleyc69 said...

Beautiful post and so true.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline

Melissa said...

Thank you for writing this. Sometimes I feel like these things are in my head. It is not just you, my confidence has taken a beating as well last week I was remembering how Owen and used to have a routine of doing an activity every morning ... not any more.

I hope it gets better for you.

Hugs.

Sarita Boyette said...

Lea, I'm so sorry you are feeling left out. With the hurt you have had, you don't need that also. I have had two "friends" leave me over the years, one because she didn't like the man I married (she had met him one time, for about 30 minutes) and another because I was doing some heavy duty grief work about Meredith and she said I was too depressing to be around.People do weird things sometimes.There are many of us who love and respect all your children, and I hope that makes you feel some better.God bless!

Lisette said...

I couldn't have said that any better, *hugs*

margaret said...

No matter what Lea, Nicholas will always be your son and part of your family. Not everyone will get that, but the people that matter will. Hugs

Bree said...

I know this feeling. I feel like the elephant in the room with everyone except my husband and my baby loss friends. I'm glad we at least have this little space where we can feel normal and honor our babies together. xo

lost--for--words said...

I can so relate to how you feel. It's been very difficult going back out 'into' the world after my loss. I too feel very isolated, but most days I'd rather sit in silence with my own thoughts than have meaningless conversation. I don't think I'll ever smile the same as I did before I (helplessly) witnessed everything that happened with Freja. I wish we lived closer to each other, because I really 'get' you and I know I would fully enjoy being in your company (unlike most people!)

Oh and btw, thank you for the birthday messages that you left for Freja. I meant to come and thank you sooner, but I've been on hiatus from my blog for a while. Too much emotional stimulation over these past weeks - I needed to step back for a bit just to breathe....

klarsen said...

I know exactly what you mean. Lots of love to you. xxx

Jennifer Ross said...

ABSOLUTELY! I couldn't agree more Lea.

Nan & Mike said...

(((HUGS))) I am so glad you can voice that here, we all know what you mean. It's hard to have anyone IRL who hasn't walked in our shoes understand, but we will always remember our babies in Heaven, forever. Love, Nan xxx

Courtney said...

Lea you seriously took all of the words out of my mind that I have been feeling lately. I'm so glad that you can come here and share with all of us. We will always be here for you.

much love
*hugs*

Holly said...

It's just not quite the same once you've lost your child.

Catherine W said...

Oh Lea. As so many people have said above, this post really hits the nail on the head. If I was a better writer, I would have written this myself. Word for word. Thank you for articulating these feelings so beautifully.

Wishing you comfort and happiness. xo

Tina said...

So very well said...I feel this way too. I'm just not as comfortable around others as I once was. I think for me I am always wondering when I will be asked about our children and then I have to decide what my response will be. Wishing it was easier for all of us. xx

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