Respect

I really wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again... to others, that is.

Spring is here again and everyone is happily emerging from the safety of their homes to enjoy the beautiful, warm sunshine. People are out walking their dogs, pushing their babies down the street, kids are laughing and giggling at the park... I am among those people. My children are among those kids. So why do I feel so isolated?

With the exception of some truly wonderful, supportive friends on our street, I feel at a loss when I'm out with the kids. Maybe it's just me. I admit that my self confidence has suffered since the loss of Nicholas. I'm certainly not always the outgoing, bubbly, approachable person I think I once was. Holding your dead baby will do that to you. Having part of your soul leave your body tends to alter your personality a little. I feel a lot more jaded, a lot more misunderstood. Some days are definitely better than others. Some days I feel strong. Some days I look back at the past year and a half and think... not a lot of people could endure what we have endured and still be standing. Other days I feel like I will crumble under all of the pressure. The pressure of grief, the pressure of being the mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, I want to be.... I am so easily overwhelmed and I can't seem to ward off the feeling of lonliness some days. I want to be better. I want to be happier. I want to be more comfortable in my own skin.

Our boys and Miss Madison help with all of those things. They are the reason I am still pushing on. The reason the future is bright. The reason for the smile on my face and the love in my heart. I just wish I didn't feel like such an outcast in my own neighbourhood... I heard someone else say that this kind of tragedy isn't contagious... you can come near me. You can talk to me. You can't "catch" a dead baby.

I'm not going to break. I'm not going to dissolve into tears (probably not). I am, however, going to expect the common courtesy of respecting my children - all of them.