Thursday, March 4, 2010
Well, I had my first session of therapy and it went well. Dr. ____ is very nice and I think that we will be a good fit. Her office is in her home. It's very comforting and welcoming, just like sitting in your very own family/living room.
Of course, the session was mentally draining and emotionally exhausting, but talking about our experience in "the raw" again was also nice. As painful as it is to talk about losing Nicholas, I find comfort in remembering everything, reliving our experience, because it's then that I realize that I will never forget... something that so many of us are terrified of.
I often wondered if I blocked certain things out. Blocked out parts of the most horrendous experience of my life, just to survive. I often wonder if there are things that I just don't remember. There are. There are definitely moments of pause, of unclarity. When you are living an unimaginable nightmare something just takes over. Shock, I guess... and you are somehow guided through each moment without too much emotional participation. I remember feeling like that. Like no matter how hard I wanted to remember each and every moment in that delivery room I felt like someone else was in control. Like I was out of my own body, trusting another power to remember for me. I am grateful that I remember what I do. That I remember how truly beautiful and perfect our son was/is. That I remember his sweet smell, his gorgeous hair, his peaceful face. Every day I remember what a true blessing he is to us.
As we dig deeper in upcoming sessions I'm almost positive that other things will come up. Things that will help me heal. Things that will help me remember. My goal in these sessions is to find a way to manage the range of emotions that come to surface in my mind each day. I hope to learn how to better allow the love and the loss in my heart to co-mingle. I hope to learn how to navigate through the constant anxiety I now feel in my chest. I hope to learn peace. Peace within my own soul and peace for our sweet Nicholas.
The doctor asked me if I was angry with Madison. The question somewhat shocked me. I felt myself become a bit defensive, however the more I thought about why she asked me that the more I understood. My instant reaction was NO, of course not.... and I stand by that 100%. What I do feel is quite the opposite. I feel horribly heartbroken that I am so crazy relieved and grateful that she is here, safe and in my arms. Sometimes those feeling are so strong that I feel like it's a betrayal to Nicholas. I am not angry that Maddie is here and Nicholas is not. I am just angry and sad that Nicholas is not. Period. Margaret said in one of my last posts that she believed that Madison would have been a part of our family in some way no matter what. I think I believe that. If Nicholas were here I don't think that we would have thought about having another baby, but I would like to believe that Madison is meant to be and she would have made her presence known in some form or another.
More to come.... xoxo
Posted by Lea at 3:34 PM