Today

Every year around this time I struggle.  The tears flow without warning.  There is a dull ache in my chest and my breaths are a little harder to take.  The vulnerability I feel at this time is painstaking.  Unstoppable.  Agonizing.

I try my very hardest to honour you, sweet Nicholas.  To keep your beautiful legacy alive in this world.  I try to give back to others hurting as we do.  I do it in your name.  I do it because you gave me clarity to what I could give back in this life.  You were taken away.  I am still here.  My resolve is to parent you through comforting others.  To allow my love for you honour other babies gone too soon.  To offer support and strength to their families.  To remember you with purity and passion.

But the anniversaries come with pain and sorrow.  The subconscious memories blindside me and I am left to pick up the pieces.  The rest of the year is dedicated to honouring your beautiful little life.... but today, little man, mommy is struggling. 

I love you. 

I am so sorry.

Nicholas' 5th Angel Day

October 22, 2013

Dear Family and Friends,                                               

Nicholas’ Birth/Angel day is Thursday, Novemeber 7^th.  It will have been 5 whole years since Jim and I had the incredible opportunity to meet our third son, face to tiny, perfect face.  Five years since we were blessed to hold him in our arms… smell him… kiss him….talk to him… love him.  

I am struggling with 5 years.  Every year is a milestone, but 5 seems truly unimaginable.  When Nicholas died I remember genuinely wondering how the world could continue to spin… how the stars still shone… how the birds still sang…  Our world was drastically halted in that moment and it seemed beyond unfair and cruel that time didn’t stop.

Flash forward to today.  

I couldn’t be more grateful for time.  

Time to dull the intense pain.  

Time to begin to heal our broken hearts. 

 Time to try to forgive myself.  

Time to remember and honour Nicholas.  

Time to realize how much love he has brought to our lives.

Most of you will remember that we have been marking Nicholas’ Angel Day with a special and unique event each year.  Together, with an amazing support system, we have created life long memories on what is an extremely emotional day for our family.

This year we will be travelling to Ottawa on November 7^th.  To be honest, I have had a hard time accepting this truth, however, we have come up with a plan to continue our tradition of honouring Nicholas’ memory on his birth/angel day.

I have been busy putting together more Comfort Boxes.  We will donate 6 of them to a hospital close to where we are staying in Ottawa.  We are more than comforted to know that some families may find some much needed solace from the items we have provided.  

I am saddened by the fact that we will not have the opportunity to again share this day with an abundance of friends, family and supporters.  However, I am encouraged to know that we will be surrounded by our “hockey family” as we navigate our way through this latest anniversary. 

In the past, the events have changed, as it will this year, but the meaning will always be there.  It is so important to us to have a positive focus on what could be a terrible day re-living horrific memories.    

Nicholas’ legacy lives on and that is what it is all about.

We continue to heal our broken hearts by remembering and honouring our special little guy every day.   We do this together, with love, perseverance and with the boundless support of amazing family and friends who have been there for us every step of the way.   We thank you all.

With Love and Gratitude,

Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby Nicholas Reeves

“I would rather have had one breath of his hair, one kiss of his mouth,

one touch of his hand, than an eternity without it…”

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

Happy Father's Day to the strongest, most loving daddy around....

Daddy's Love

Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.

We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.

Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.

But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.

He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.

We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009

Your new garden

We moved your garden yesterday.

I'm sure you already know.

What a potent mix of emotions.  I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it was for your daddy and I. 

Moving your rocks was like holding a piece of you again, bringing us back to the day when we so gently laid them down on a neatly raked space of soil.  One of the big steps on this life long journey.  Your space.  Our memorial to a perfect little baby boy.  So much love, so much respect.  Makes me sad that not everyone has the sensitivity.... or the respect that you deserve.

Your new spot is another perfect one.  A beautiful view of the lake.  With your family.  The one's who love you.  The one's who remember you with gratitude and a deep understanding of what you mean to all of us.

I am comforted by the fact that you will be watching over your brothers and sisters as they splash and play in the water....  keep them safe, baby.

I hope that you are at peace with your new garden.  No matter where it is, it will always be that tangible place where we can nurture and grow and hope.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Memorial

For those of you visiting after attending the Memorial at Southlake last evening, I welcome you to this place of comfort and healing.  I also commend your strength and courage to walk through those doors.  It is an extremely difficult thing to do.  I only hope that you found some peace and warmth while being surrounded with other parents grieving their precious babies.

Please, have a look through The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique, visit Nicholas' Touch and try to find a connection, some solace in the words written.  My posts are often raw, direct and vivid in description.  Nicholas' Touch is a space where I can share my inner most anxieties about grieving the loss of our 3rd son.  It is a space where my heart is exposed and my grief is very real.  It is my hope that parents experiencing the loss of a child, at any stage in their grief journey, can find some hope in our experience.

I remember, early on, how often I would search out parents who were just a little further ahead in their journey.  How desperate I was to hear their stories and relate.  My heart ached for some proof that the anguish would somehow soften.  That my broken soul could be wrapped in some peace somewhere down the road.

I hope that Nicholas' legacy and our voyage down this often tumultuous path can offer some hope and comfort in knowing that what you are feeling is okay.  That you are not alone.  This community can be one of the most compassionate, generous, and loving communities.  We are here to help, to listen, to cry, to laugh...  We are here to understand and we are here to support.

Much love to you and your babes,
Leanna

Soft Spring

It comes every year.  I should be used to it by now.  I should be prepared for the shock.  I should be able to stare it in the eyes and steady myself.  I should be able to keep my composure.

But every year it comes... and every year the grief of carrying Nicholas in my heart explodes into a nasty mess.  A heated pool of anguish over the loss of my third son.

Spring.

It gets me every time.

I stare out the window and witness the tulips slowly rising... the abundance of Robins with full bellies waiting to lay their eggs.  I admire how the grass magically turns from dry, brown, dead.... to lush, green and inviting.  I pop open the windows in our home to release the staleness of winter and allow the cool spring breeze to revitalize the air.  The sun shines and I can feel the warmth as it tries to soothe my soul.

The new life.  The freshness of the air.  The vitality of the buds on the verge of blooming..... it's all so bittersweet.

I love Spring, but it's all such a heavy reminder.

Such life and growth..... but he's dead.

As I read my own words they sound so harsh.  Probably because no one should have to write those words.  No one should have to endure the death of their own child.  So, the words may be harsh, but they are my reality.  My world.

As the fragrance in the air subtly changes from winter cold to spring fresh.... I miss him.

That's what our Nicholas smelled like.  Fresh, soft, spring air.  A pure and gentle cocktail of beautiful baby.

Sigh......

Happy Spring, sweet Nicholas.

Mama loves you.

Wishing

I love staring at your beautiful and perfect little face, buddy.  Nothing in particular today.  Just missing you.  Just remembering.  Just dreaming.  We love you so much.  Wish it wasn't this way.  Wish we didn't have to do all of that from afar.

Mommy  xx