Breathless

It's been a while since I've had the feeling.  The feeling of pure grief.  The power of grief.  The hold it can take on my heart.  I've been breathless.... like no breath is deep enough... like no breath can repair the sadness.  Like no breath can cleanse my soul.  It's real, I know.  And it's always there... like a shadow I can't get rid of.  Like a demon stuck on the sidelines.  Grief resides in my heart.... all nestled up tight and silent until I least expect it.  And then it can be so fierce that the rage is undeniable and I must succumb to it's force.

Maybe it's the crumby days of winter... cold, wet, sloppy and dark.  For sure it's the passing of my grandpa and the void that is now felt throughout our family.  Maybe it's the fact that another family close to our heart is experiencing the unimaginable as we speak.  Maybe it's just that our son died... and it sucks.... and I miss his kicks... and I miss his smell... and I miss the little boy that should have been.  Maybe it's because it's not natural and it's not fair... our kids do not die before us.  Maybe it's simply that I am not in a good place right now.  Maybe it's  the insurmountable  amount of guilt that has infected my being.... like the grief.... guilt has become a mainstay in my heart.  Maybe it's because my heart hurts and I can't seem to calm it....

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Sigh....

Nicholas.... we have come so far.  We have done so much good.  We have offered so much comfort to other families who so desperately need it after their children pass away.  But, some days the good just isn't much of a comfort to me.  I'd much rather I didn't have to collapse at your coffin 4 years ago.  I'd much rather that we didn't have to carry your ashes home.  I'd much rather have a billion more kisses....

I'd much rather love you beside me cuz this loving from afar stuff is really hard....

I'd much rather be able to take a good, deep and cleansing breath and feel renewed and fully joyful.... but right now, I can't.... and that's okay.  It's in these moments and times of pure grief that I am truly reminded of your gift. 

My heart is bigger because of you....

United

In the early morning of January 6, 2013 our family lost a very special man.  The matriarch of our family.  The strength.  The integrity.  The legend.  A few days ago my amazingly tenacious, outrageously strong and infinitely kind grandfather passed on to the next world.

Grandpa or "New Papa" as our kids call him was battling with a fearless foe the last several months.  Alzheimer's had gripped his soul tightly and he was kept prisoner in his very own body.  Once so sharp.  Once so incredibly wise and wistful.... our precious New Papa didn't have a chance against such a mighty disease.

I saw him on New Years Day.  He was weak.  He was gaunt.  He continued to refuse to eat or take his medication.  I promised him that the ice cream I wanted to feed him was his very favourite (Kawartha Dairy) and that I brought it especially for him.  He nearly ate the entire bowl and seemed to savour each mouthful.  Mom and I bargained with him to take his pills... the pills that would keep his mind at ease and calm the paranoia.  He took them and we both sat and rubbed cream into his feet and his legs.  He relished every minute.... groaning and smiling in great comfort.  I kissed him as we left.  Told him I loved him and squeezed a little tighter.  I had a feeling that may the last time....

As mixed up as his mind was... as different as he was... I truly feel like deep down he had the sense to know what was happening to him.  What should not have been happening to him.  For most of his life he was the man in control.  He called the shots and he knew how to manage every situation.... imagine how extremely terrifying to realize that you had no control over your own mind or body anymore.  To imagine yourself as a burden and struggle with the fact there was no getting better.  Grampa took control of the situation he was forced to face the only way he knew how... the only way he mindfully and physically could.  He allowed his body to comfortably decline.  He was valiant in this.  The only thing left to control.  The only way to relieve his family.  The only way to relieve himself without the suffering....

I am comforted by the fact that he is now united with our sweet Nicholas.  Grampa was so heartbroken when Nicholas died.  Again, loss of control.  Watching his only granddaughter suffer the insurmountable.  I am so happy that they are now in each others arms.  

Grampa ~ we all have so many amazing memories with you.  It is these memories that will allow us to reflect and smile.  You have had such an impact on so many lives.  You have left a legacy which will always supercede death.  Rest well... I love you, Nan