Breathless

It's been a while since I've had the feeling.  The feeling of pure grief.  The power of grief.  The hold it can take on my heart.  I've been breathless.... like no breath is deep enough... like no breath can repair the sadness.  Like no breath can cleanse my soul.  It's real, I know.  And it's always there... like a shadow I can't get rid of.  Like a demon stuck on the sidelines.  Grief resides in my heart.... all nestled up tight and silent until I least expect it.  And then it can be so fierce that the rage is undeniable and I must succumb to it's force.

Maybe it's the crumby days of winter... cold, wet, sloppy and dark.  For sure it's the passing of my grandpa and the void that is now felt throughout our family.  Maybe it's the fact that another family close to our heart is experiencing the unimaginable as we speak.  Maybe it's just that our son died... and it sucks.... and I miss his kicks... and I miss his smell... and I miss the little boy that should have been.  Maybe it's because it's not natural and it's not fair... our kids do not die before us.  Maybe it's simply that I am not in a good place right now.  Maybe it's  the insurmountable  amount of guilt that has infected my being.... like the grief.... guilt has become a mainstay in my heart.  Maybe it's because my heart hurts and I can't seem to calm it....

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Sigh....

Nicholas.... we have come so far.  We have done so much good.  We have offered so much comfort to other families who so desperately need it after their children pass away.  But, some days the good just isn't much of a comfort to me.  I'd much rather I didn't have to collapse at your coffin 4 years ago.  I'd much rather that we didn't have to carry your ashes home.  I'd much rather have a billion more kisses....

I'd much rather love you beside me cuz this loving from afar stuff is really hard....

I'd much rather be able to take a good, deep and cleansing breath and feel renewed and fully joyful.... but right now, I can't.... and that's okay.  It's in these moments and times of pure grief that I am truly reminded of your gift. 

My heart is bigger because of you....