It comes every year

Christmas comes every year.

For the past 3 years I have a lot of trouble with Christmas.  With the holiday cheer, love in the air, little ones so happy and excited.  I have had a lot of trouble exuding the Christmas spirit.  I have gone through the motions and allowed my emotions get the best of me.  I have hesitated with decorations and only put up the bare minimum for our children... the tree... the stockings... the "essentials".  I have held back many tears and lived with a heavy heart...

This Christmas feels lighter.  This Christmas feels more peaceful.  I am enjoying the kids excitement and looking forward to their anxious little faces on Christmas morning as they wander down stairs to check out what Santa brought them.  I feel an indescribable comfort that feels warm and familiar.  I feel a wave of calm...


As I dusted Nicholas' urn today and gave him a kiss it stung a little bit more.... missing him at Christmas and always, but feeling him close and reminded of his touch on our lives.

christmas ache

I dusted off your urn today... and gave you a kiss.  Do it often, but today seemed to sting a little more....

Missing you at Christmas, buddy... and always.

Nicholas' Light

Nicholas’ Light

Happy Birthday, to our sweet boy,

Oh how we wish you were here.

To run and play

Do all things boy,

I imagine it with a tear.

Our hearts have been filled with both joy and pain,

Since we held your tiny hand.

I just close my eyes and can see your face,

Perfect nose, perfect lips…perfect name.

We have gained so much from your short stay,

You’ve left footprints on all of our hearts,

We share our story in hopes to reach others,

When their journey unfortunately starts.

Your legacy lives on, sweet Nicholas

My vow from the very start,

Was to protect your memory

As only mommy can do,

When we are forced to be apart.

How I wish you could grow while in my arms,

And I could see your biggest smile

Those precious moments are always missed

You’ll forever be my child

Enjoy your show tonight, my love

You will have the most magical view,

We will light the night with lanterns galore,

And send them, with love, to you.

Love, Mommy ~ November 7, 2012