I literally just finished posting Two Years yesterday and went out to get the kids off the bus.... there was a little bit of "magic" on my windshield. Thank God for the little comforts.
Do you believe in magic...?
I do.
xx
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Do you believe in magic...?
I literally just finished posting Two Years yesterday and went out to get the kids off the bus.... there was a little bit of "magic" on my windshield. Thank God for the little comforts.
Do you believe in magic...?
I do.
xx
Monday, October 25, 2010
Two Years
November 7th is creeping up. Ever so slowly. Painfully slow...
I feel my heart aching more. I feel my muscles involuntarily getting tighter and tighter. I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, more ready to spill out. I feel the knot in my tummy continually churning. I feel my patience running thin...
Being somewhat of a veteran of this grieving mother journey, I am well aware that these feelings are quite normal. That the anniversaries are, for some reason, especially difficult. That the memories and the ache seem to be brought back to the forefront only on a much grander scale then the everyday grief that comes with mourning your child.
We remember Nicholas on a daily basis. We speak his name often. We are proud to call him our son, brother... but this is different. The anticipation of 'celebrating' his second Angel Day, without him, is tearing me apart all over again.
It is so incredibly hard to believe that it has been 2 years....
Two years filled with every kind of emotion imaginable.
Two years of mourning our son.
Two years of parenting Nicholas' siblings through their grief.
Two years of desperately trying to find some joy.
Two years of a subsequent pregnancy and being blessed with our fourth, beautiful child.
Two years of trying to understand and support each other as husband and wife.
Two years of navigating through insurmountable guilt as a mother.
Two years of raw, indescribable pain and two years of pure bliss.
I wouldn't change a thing.
We are who we are today because of our experiences. A big part of who we are as a family unit is because of Nicholas and what he has taught us.
I am who I am today because of our youngest son's legacy. His short, little life has touched me more than words can express. As sad and overwhelmed as I am some days... my life has been enriched. Enriched is so many ways. Nicholas has given me the strength and courage to fight. Fight for our family. Fight for our love. He has opened doors of opportunity for me to help other parents who are experiencing this torturess road. With each pair of Angel Wings I send out, I am honoured to know that I am offering a little bit of comfort in my son's memory. Nicholas has "flown" to so many places and it warms my heart to know that he is remembered by so many.
And so, as I not so eagerly await for November 7, I remember and reflect. I thank God for my life and all of the true blessings in it.
I feel my heart aching more. I feel my muscles involuntarily getting tighter and tighter. I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, more ready to spill out. I feel the knot in my tummy continually churning. I feel my patience running thin...
Being somewhat of a veteran of this grieving mother journey, I am well aware that these feelings are quite normal. That the anniversaries are, for some reason, especially difficult. That the memories and the ache seem to be brought back to the forefront only on a much grander scale then the everyday grief that comes with mourning your child.
We remember Nicholas on a daily basis. We speak his name often. We are proud to call him our son, brother... but this is different. The anticipation of 'celebrating' his second Angel Day, without him, is tearing me apart all over again.
It is so incredibly hard to believe that it has been 2 years....
Two years filled with every kind of emotion imaginable.
Two years of mourning our son.
Two years of parenting Nicholas' siblings through their grief.
Two years of desperately trying to find some joy.
Two years of a subsequent pregnancy and being blessed with our fourth, beautiful child.
Two years of trying to understand and support each other as husband and wife.
Two years of navigating through insurmountable guilt as a mother.
Two years of raw, indescribable pain and two years of pure bliss.
I wouldn't change a thing.
We are who we are today because of our experiences. A big part of who we are as a family unit is because of Nicholas and what he has taught us.
I am who I am today because of our youngest son's legacy. His short, little life has touched me more than words can express. As sad and overwhelmed as I am some days... my life has been enriched. Enriched is so many ways. Nicholas has given me the strength and courage to fight. Fight for our family. Fight for our love. He has opened doors of opportunity for me to help other parents who are experiencing this torturess road. With each pair of Angel Wings I send out, I am honoured to know that I am offering a little bit of comfort in my son's memory. Nicholas has "flown" to so many places and it warms my heart to know that he is remembered by so many.
And so, as I not so eagerly await for November 7, I remember and reflect. I thank God for my life and all of the true blessings in it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Angel Wings Cards Now Has A Button!
Hi Everyone!
Angel Wings Cards now has a button! Please feel free to grab it from the sidebar!
Thank you,
Angel Wings Cards now has a button! Please feel free to grab it from the sidebar!
Thank you,
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Honouring Nicholas
Many of you may remember that last year we participated in a "Dirty Duathalon" on Nicholas' first Angel Day, November 7. Well, with the help of the same wonderful friends we will be taking part in the event again. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a positive focus in the days approaching Nicholas' Angel Day. They seem to be the most difficult. This week, two years ago, was when we received the devastating news about our baby boy.... the memories really hurt too much to remember. Having the Race to look forward to and honouring our boy helps immensely. Not only that, we hope to help some families and babies in need at our local hospital along the way.
The following is the letter I have distributed to family and friends who have walked beside us on this journey;
October 7, 2010
Dear Family and Friends,
It’s very hard to believe that Nicholas’ 2nd Angel Day is fast approaching. He is remembered warmly each and every day. The raw pain of not having him here, with us, has softened slightly. His spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 2 years. The journey is a long and difficult one as we continue to heal, but, there is never any question that we are forever grateful to have known Nicholas. He has enriched our family immensely.
Many of you will remember that last year, on November 7, 2009, our dear friends, Marcus and Meagan Olson participated in a duathalon in honour of our baby boy. The day was beautiful and perfect. We were so thankful to have such a wonderful and positive focus on what was an extremely emotional day. This year, on November 6, 2010, we will again be participating in the same duathalon and dedicating the day to Nicholas. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful support system.
This year we would like to invite anyone who is interested in being a part of “Team Nicholas” to participate. Marcus will be racing in both the long (3.8K Run – 10K Bike – 3.8K Run) and the short (1.9k Run-5k Bike-1.9k Run) course. Nicholas’ Daddy, Jim, and Meagan will be pairing up on the long course.
The duathalon will be held on Saturday, November 6, 2010 at Sir Sanford Fleming College in Peterborough, Ontario. The course is completely off road and is a mix of single track and open trails. If you are interested in participating please contact myself or Marc and Meagan directly. There is certainly power in numbers and we look forward to another inspiring day!
Last year we invited family and friends to donate to a very special campaign for parents and babies at Mt. Sinai Hospital (where we met and said goodbye to our son, Nicholas). We were overwhelmed with the response and incredibly touched to be able to help so many other families in Nicholas’ name.
This year we have chosen a heartfelt initiative closer to home. Southlake hospital in Newmarket, Ontario is where Nicholas was scheduled to be born and where our other three children were born. We have had nothing but positive and memorable experiences during our stays there. Both Evan and Madison spent some time in the NICU and were nurtured with exceptional care. It is for these reasons and many more that our family has decided to support Southlake’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit this year.
Jim, Evan, Kyle, our latest, beautiful blessing, Madison and I would like to invite you to support “Team Nicholas” in honour of our son, Nicholas Warren Reeves, on November 6, 2010.
By making a donation, in Nicholas’ name, to Southlake Regional Health Center’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit , you will be helping us celebrate Nicholas’ life, honouring his memory and supporting the many families and babies’ in need of urgent, excellent care.
Every donation provides hope. Every gift is precious.
Below are both the links to the “Dirty Duathalon” (registration information, cost, etc.) and Nicholas’ Honorary page at Southlake Regional Health Center.
Dirty Duathalon – please copy and paste link into your browser
http://runnerslife.ca/xnew/html/modules/newbbex/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2670&post_id=9785&order=0&viewmode=flat&pid=0&forum=1#forumpost9785
Nicholas’ Honourary Page at Southlake Regional Health Center – Please copy and paste the link in your browser : ENTER “TEAM NICHOLAS” in Keywords and “NOVEMBER 6, 2010” in date: CLICK “SEARCH” and then “VIEW”AT BOTTOM OF PAGE: This will take you directly to Nicholas’ Donation Page
https://www.southlakefoundation.ca/eventbuilder/event.aspx
We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for taking the time to consider remembering our precious Nicholas in such a special way.
With Gratitude,
Marcus, Meagan, Noah and Finnley Olson
&
Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby Nicholas Reeves
Monday, October 18, 2010
Our Wave of Light
As we all know, Friday, October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I think about Nicholas... dream of holding him... imagine our life with him running around... each and every day. Friday was no different.
The day was busy, as usual... the evening was emotional. The connection we all have seemed palpable to me. I felt like I could reach out and grab some strength and love from each of you. Although our reason for "meeting" is no less than devastating, the bond we share as grieving parents is as strong as our love for our babies. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest days.
My husband and I talked at length about Nicholas that night. We often do, but that night was different. He shared some things with me that he never has before.... We cried, we remembered, we reflected, we gave thanks for all of the blessings that we have.
We love you baby boy.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Remembering
I sit here with tears burning my eyes, a gigantic lump in my throat and a hole in my heart as I read all of your tributes to our precious babies. To be honest, sometimes I still can't fathom that I even know about today. That today, October 15, is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I am heartbroken, yet, so incredibly honoured to be a part of such an amazing union of mommies. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love.
Today we join forces. Today our hearts will connect. Today we will support each other and remember our Angels proudly.
Nicholas' candle will be burning brightly today. For him and for all of his friends who left us much too soon.
xx
Thursday, October 14, 2010
New Blog Button
Hi Everyone,
It has come to my attention that my Nicholas' Touch blog button has been spammed for some reason. I have re-done it (sidebar) if you would like to replace the old link.
Sorry and thank you!
It has come to my attention that my Nicholas' Touch blog button has been spammed for some reason. I have re-done it (sidebar) if you would like to replace the old link.
Sorry and thank you!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice
This is an article featured in one of my bereavement newsletters. Hit home...
Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice
When an expecting couple learns that their child has medical complications that will render the infant unable to live outside of the womb, it is a devastating trauma. To be faced with the option of terminating the pregnancy, or continuing the pregnancy knowing their baby will only live briefly – if at all – is a terrible experience. The psychological consequences of this impossible choice have been examined in the hopes of helping families to heal in the aftermath
of this tragic type of loss.
While most research has focused on the mothers, recently attention has also been given to fathers. In a majority of couples, partners make the decision together to terminate the pregnancy. As a result, medical termination is a significant life event for both parents.
Many couples heal after medical termination, working through the grief of this decision. Others however, struggle with complicated grief, post-traumatic stress symptoms and depression long after the loss. Factors that seem to contribute to the healing journeys of parents who have experienced a loss through medical termination include an earlier gestational age at the time of termination, the diagnosis of incompatibility with life and having older children.
These circumstances influence our feelings about the loss
as does the acceptance of family and friends.
Perhaps more significantly, the research shows that mothers and fathers do not differ very much in their response to the loss. Both partners experience the same grief and pain. What does happen in many couples is a pattern whereby one partner is deeper in grief
while the other is coping better for a time, and then their positions switch. This is important for couples to understand, because
so often we feel isolated in our grief. If we are in the depths of
despair and our partner appears to be carrying on business
as usual, we feel alone and stuck.
In the aftermath of pregnancy loss through medical termination, it is critical for couples to understand these dynamics: both parents are suffering, though your partner may not appear to be in sync with you.
By talking about your feelings together and seeking support
together, you can realize the truth of these differences and support each other in an accepting manner. When this mutual understanding and support is present, the relationship is strengthened
even in the face of such terrible loss.
Korenromp, M.J., Page-Christiaens, G.C.M.L., van den Bout, J., Mulder, E.J.H., Hunfeld, J.A.M., Bilardo, C.M., Offermans, J.P.M. & Visser, G.H.A. (2005). Psychological complications of termination of pregnancy for fetal anomaly: similarities and differences between partners.
Prenatal Diagnosis 25, 1225-1233.
Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice
When an expecting couple learns that their child has medical complications that will render the infant unable to live outside of the womb, it is a devastating trauma. To be faced with the option of terminating the pregnancy, or continuing the pregnancy knowing their baby will only live briefly – if at all – is a terrible experience. The psychological consequences of this impossible choice have been examined in the hopes of helping families to heal in the aftermath
of this tragic type of loss.
While most research has focused on the mothers, recently attention has also been given to fathers. In a majority of couples, partners make the decision together to terminate the pregnancy. As a result, medical termination is a significant life event for both parents.
Many couples heal after medical termination, working through the grief of this decision. Others however, struggle with complicated grief, post-traumatic stress symptoms and depression long after the loss. Factors that seem to contribute to the healing journeys of parents who have experienced a loss through medical termination include an earlier gestational age at the time of termination, the diagnosis of incompatibility with life and having older children.
These circumstances influence our feelings about the loss
as does the acceptance of family and friends.
Perhaps more significantly, the research shows that mothers and fathers do not differ very much in their response to the loss. Both partners experience the same grief and pain. What does happen in many couples is a pattern whereby one partner is deeper in grief
while the other is coping better for a time, and then their positions switch. This is important for couples to understand, because
so often we feel isolated in our grief. If we are in the depths of
despair and our partner appears to be carrying on business
as usual, we feel alone and stuck.
In the aftermath of pregnancy loss through medical termination, it is critical for couples to understand these dynamics: both parents are suffering, though your partner may not appear to be in sync with you.
By talking about your feelings together and seeking support
together, you can realize the truth of these differences and support each other in an accepting manner. When this mutual understanding and support is present, the relationship is strengthened
even in the face of such terrible loss.
Korenromp, M.J., Page-Christiaens, G.C.M.L., van den Bout, J., Mulder, E.J.H., Hunfeld, J.A.M., Bilardo, C.M., Offermans, J.P.M. & Visser, G.H.A. (2005). Psychological complications of termination of pregnancy for fetal anomaly: similarities and differences between partners.
Prenatal Diagnosis 25, 1225-1233.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A New Launch ~ Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words about trying something new at The Boutique. I think we are ready to launch our new idea!
Emalee at Everything Is Coming Up Daisies and I have joined forces and created the Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support and we hope you can spread the word.
Our goal is to reach out to the supporters of bereaved parents and families. We, as grieving parents know all too well how difficult it is to find cards, sentiments or momentos to express love and support after a child dies. It is close to impossible to find anything to commemorate the anniversary of a baby's death and it seems even harder to find expressions for multiple losses or miscarriage.
Often loved one's struggle over ways to reach out and show that they care. At Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support we hope to provide some direction during those difficult times.
Please share the link.
It is a work in progress.... we will continually be adding and readjusting.
With hope and love,
Emalee at Everything Is Coming Up Daisies and I have joined forces and created the Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support and we hope you can spread the word.
Our goal is to reach out to the supporters of bereaved parents and families. We, as grieving parents know all too well how difficult it is to find cards, sentiments or momentos to express love and support after a child dies. It is close to impossible to find anything to commemorate the anniversary of a baby's death and it seems even harder to find expressions for multiple losses or miscarriage.
Often loved one's struggle over ways to reach out and show that they care. At Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support we hope to provide some direction during those difficult times.
Please share the link.
It is a work in progress.... we will continually be adding and readjusting.
With hope and love,
The Angel Wings Boutique has transformed!
A BIG thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for creating the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique's new layout! I truly love it and I hope you do too. My goal is to make this space as peaceful and comforting as possible as we travel through some of the most difficult days of our lives.
Love and strength to you all!
Love and strength to you all!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Some Pics and A Special Guest
We had some family photos done on the weekend... I really like how they turned out. These are photos of the photos (the disc was $100.00 extra to buy! No, thank you)
Am I going crazy... what is that at the top of the picture? I took 2 of these shots simultaneously... this is the only one like it. I would like to think Nicholas was joining his siblings..... sigh.... :)
Am I going crazy... what is that at the top of the picture? I took 2 of these shots simultaneously... this is the only one like it. I would like to think Nicholas was joining his siblings..... sigh.... :)
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