Overwhelmed and Overjoyed

I am finally beginning to admit to myself that I overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed and overjoyed.

Overwhelmed with grief, yet overjoyed at being Evan, Kyle, Nicholas and Madison's mommy.

Ever since we got home from the hospital with Maddie I have been experiencing intense flashbacks. Flashbacks of the days leading up to meeting our third, beautiful, son, Nicholas. I find myself lost in the moments of when we learned of Nicholas' condition, the breathtaking silence, the indescribable pain of learning one of your children will most likely die. I flashback to the evening the doctors, genetic counselors and social workers sat across from us and explained that our son practically had no brain. That they were fairly certain that he would not survive childbirth... and if he did, he wouldn't survive for long. What I remember the most is that if he was born alive he may experience pain. He may suffer. He may struggle to breathe....

For us, that was the bottom line. We didn't want him to suffer. We didn't want him to experience any kind of pain. I knew he was happy, healthy and safe inside of me. That's what I wanted him to remember. That's where I wanted him to stay.

We were forced with the most horrendous, heinous decision a parent could ever be faced with. I am angry. So pissed that we were put in that position. Pissed that my body betrayed me when I was carrying such precious cargo. Devastated that I couldn't keep my son safe. So mad... it overtakes me sometimes and I am beyond reason. Beating myself from the inside out.

Sometimes I literally can't breathe. As if there is a giant weight sitting on my chest. I can't take a deep breath. I can't cleanse.... I can't release the burden.

I feel battered, bruised. Weathered beyond repair. I am guilt ridden every day and don't know how to rise above.

I do know that we made the right decision for us, for our family, for Nicholas and for our other children. That is the one constant. Nicholas is free from pain. He only knows love and warmth. He is at peace.

I struggle to find peace in my heart. I struggle with the memories, the images of those final moments, those final kicks. I remember rubbing my belly, talking to our boy, crying like I've never cried before. I remember the doctors entering the room, speaking some beautiful words.... and then I kind of blank out. I remember some key words from the doctors, which still make me cringe today when I hear them... and I remember one last movement before I knew he was gone. I truly think that is the most disturbing part of our journey. The moment I knew our son left this world. He may as well have died in my arms.

And then there is the moment when he actually entered our world. That final push. The one when I knew it was all over. When he was physically gone from me forever. I'll never forget the wail. The primal groan that came from the inner parts of my soul. Nicholas slipped out of me and our world came to a screeching halt.

These are all moments, fears, I re-live often. I want to only remember Nicholas with love, healing and peace... he is such a big, good part of me... of who I am now.

I spoke with my OB the other day. I spoke to him about talking to someone, someone who may be able to help me sort out all of these emotions. It's so complicated. So often I feel lost. I feel loved and supported, but lost in my own mind, my own soul. It really is a horrific struggle. A constant battle of love and hate. Pure joy and utter disillusionment.

I am happy. I am so, so happy and forever grateful for the wonderful family we have. Our children have blessed us in ways we never thought possible. They continue to bring so much joy, fun and fulfillment into our lives. I am constantly amazed at the boys and their love and understanding for their baby brother. The love and compassion they show towards him is beautiful and reassuring that we are helping them through their grief in the right way for them.

And Madison, what a true, true blessing. She is such a special little girl. More special than she will ever know. She makes us smile and enjoy life that much easier.

Heaven certainly has smiled down on us.

I will continue to focus on the beautiful family of 6 that we are. I will focus on sunshine. I will focus on the rainbow while forever remembering the rain......