Rainbow Babies.... and Hope

Rainbow babies:

In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

As we inch closer and closer to the arrival of this new little blessing I find myself so emotionally conflicted - what's new, right? I find myself dreaming of holding our baby, healthy and alive, close to my chest, smelling her fresh skin, caressing her ever so tiny baby parts. I dream of this moment and my heart is so full of love and joy and sweet anticipation.

But, as soon as I feel that rush of peaceful exhilaration ... my heart almost always skips a beat ... momentarily stops ... races ... and I remember those moments with Nicholas. I wish I could say that I can always think back to that time and feel at peace, comforted by the time we had with our son. For the most part I can. But, there is almost always this looming sense of anxiety and sadness.

I wouldn't trade the life altering experience of losing our son, birthing him and cradling him for anything. I would welcome the feelings of horror and desperation all over again if it meant one more moment with my baby boy.

There is an old folktale about a group of people, each of whom was given the chance to throw one trouble into a central heap in the middle of the room. Then they were invited to choose one from the pile. They each ended up taking back their own.

This says a lot to me. It says to me that we are all a sum of our experiences - even the most painful. It says to me that if we choose to eliminate any of those experiences we also choose to deny, not only what we have learned along our journey, but also our very selves.

I am constantly struggling to embrace this new life we have been faced with. I am constantly looking for the balance between joy and deep, deep, loss. If there are changes for the better that I can make, I will try to make them. But - even if I could - I will not forget my pain. I will honour it. It is part of who I am.

Little Miss Sunshine is our 'rainbow'. She is the light at the end of what has been a very dark and gloomy tunnel. I am so looking forward to looking in her eyes and for her to look in mine - soul to soul. I just know how much I wish, with all my soul, that I was able to do that with her brother. Somehow, I think that Nicholas will be in that hospital room with us.... touching my soul in his own special way.

6 weeks to go!