Disappointment

For so long after we lost Nicholas I felt like I had disappointed so many people - heck, for the most part, I still do.

I wasn't able to protect my precious baby. I wasn't able to control what was happening to my body and I couldn't control the horrible outcome of the whole situation. I was out of control, which undoubtedly, is one of the most helpless feelings in the world.

I feel like I disappointed our parents for not "making good" on their grandson. I feel like I disappointed my husband because I couldn't keep our son safe. I feel like I disappointed my other two sons for not bringing their baby brother home to them.

It is a whole different kind of heartache to watch your 5 year old feel so sad. To hold him while he cries for the brother he wanted so badly. To try to answer the unimaginable questions about death and beyond (I don't even understand it, why should he?). To reassure him that mommy will be okay. To let him know that it is okay to be sad, but that he shouldn't feel bad to be happy too. Evan (my 5 year old) asks about Nicholas often and includes him when he speaks about his family. I am grateful for that... it makes me feel like we're doing something right.

Kyle (my 3 year old) only understands that the baby died. He worries about me. The other day was a very bad day for me and Kyle kept hugging me and asking me if daddy was going to "fix" me... out of the mouths of babes.

Most of all I feel like I let my sweet baby Nicholas down. Why did I have to get so sick while carrying such precious cargo? I will never know the answer, I realize that, but the "disappointment factor" will never go away.