Tuesday, January 27, 2015

You Are My Greatest Adventure

I have been horrible.

I yearn to write, yet the words seem stuck.  I feel when I write, yet I am unsure of what I feel.  I have to write, yet I don't make the time....

Guilty, guilty, guilty.  Seems to be the common theme.

The holidays were heavy.  I felt like a gloomy cloud hung over my head everywhere I went... like the weight of my heart would collapse at any given moment.  The reality of heightened grief over the holidays threatened to cave me...to knot my soul and destroy my spirit.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you.  The uncontrollable emotion of hopelessness.  Other times it lingers and slowly breaks you down no matter how hard you try to conquer it.  This year I felt defeated.  Like my positive attitude wasn't enough.  The powerful foe had gotten under my skin.  Invaded my thoughts and had just plain gotten me down.

Through the years I have learned that grief.... this tumultuous journey we are on doesn't always make sense.  In fact, it almost never makes sense.  The feelings in my heart and head are contradicting ones.  There are times when I feel part of a tug of war... joyous and blessed in one moment yet anxious and beaten down the next.

I picked up a sign the other day... a rustic, barn board type of sign.  It says "you are my greatest adventure".  I loved it as soon as I saw it.  It drew me in and my mind began to race at all of the possible meanings this sign has in my life.  Life is most definitely an adventure.  A ride full of ups and downs, sharp turns, steep hills and stormy seas.  It is also full of joy, love, kindness and many, many blessings.  Our middle son, Kyle, read the sign when I brought it home and asked me what it meant.  I told him that 'you' are my greatest adventure.  Daddy, Evan, Kyle, Nicholas and Madison are my greatest adventure in this life... my greatest loves and my greatest adventure. And then the question; "what about 'Blossom', is she not part of your adventure?"  Be still my heart.  From our fabulous, insightful, gentle Kyle....

I felt a pang and the guilt and reality of it all quickly set in again... my sweet boy is right.  'Blossom' is a part of our adventure.  She gently came into our lives and then left in an unspoken moment...

Our adventure is ever changing.  An adventure full of glorious things and an adventure full of horrendous things...  whatever my adventure is it is certainly worth fighting for.

3 comments:

Amanda P said...

Oh Lea you are the farthest thing from horrible. All you do in memory of Nicholas and sweet Blossom impacts lives every day whether you know it or not. Sending you hugs from us all (Amanda, Bill, Emily and Ethan)

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