Tough November

This week has been tough. No, let's be honest, this entire month has been full of ups and downs. I suppose November will always be a month of emotional craziness... Nicholas' Angel Day was so positive.. so full of love and remembrance. We honoured our little guy the best way we could from afar and this year, instead of sadness and longing taking over, my heart swelled with pride and peace as we gathered with friends and family to remember our son. He was here. He matters. He is loved. This is all I have wanted.... for Nicholas and his life to be acknowledged. For his short yet impactful life to be celebrated and respected.

And then it's done. The planning... the scheduling... the preparing and creating. It's done and I am left with the negative thoughts.. the memories I am terrified of remembering, but also so scared of forgetting.

This time last year we learned we were expecting again. A very big surprise for us. Unexpected, but accepted all the same. A new little blessing to join our family. A new love. A new miracle. Until we miscarried.... and our world was rocked, once again. Catapulted back to when we learned of Nicholas' devastating fate... forced to face the fear and the pain all over again.

I feel as though my hormones and my emotions are at war. I feel like my body and my soul are running in opposite directions and I am struggling to keep them together.

I know... this too shall pass and I have so many beautifully amazing days to look forward to. Our oldest son turns 8 in a couple of weeks and we are so incredibly proud of the strong, sensible (most of the time) young boy he has become. Little Miss Madison's 2nd Birthday is just around the corner and I have started to plan some surprises for her. We are expecting a new little boy to our family just before Christmas. My brother and SIL will welcome their son very shortly and I am both overjoyed and a little bit frightened.... We'll fit Christmas in somewhere along the way.... I am excited and anxious to watch the little one's explore. I have been asked to speak at a Tree Lighting Memorial Service in early December and have feverishly been working on a 20 minute speech... which makes my heart beat faster at the thought.

~ sigh ~

We'll get there... we always do... by the grace of love, healing and the wonderful support of friends and family... we remember... we honour... we love... and we live.

Lea