November....

November is approaching and I can feel it in my bones. It's so true when they say that grief is physical, isn't it? I can literally feel the energy being sucked from my body. The aches.. the pains... the constant lump in my throat and tears just below the surface. I am, once again, trying desperately to draw a full, cleansing breath... to no avail and my tummy is in knots. I am anxious and irritable and my arms are begging for my baby boy.

Had a good, strong, from the soul kind of cry the other night. One of those cries that purges the soul. One of those "why us" cries... the sorry for yourself and all you've lost cries. I grasped Nicholas' blanket to me that night. I smelled him. I yearned to feel him close. I imagined his adorable, perfect, little face and wished beyond a wish to kiss it all over once again.

I knew it was coming. You just never know when it will hit you... like a ton of bricks.

We have been working really hard on the Comfort/Memory Boxes. I feel really good about them.. about what they may be able to offer newly grieving parents. But, as much as it gives me a positive focus for Nicholas' impending Angel Day I must admit that I also feel drained. I want to pour as much love, hope, understanding and comfort I can into every package. I want others to know that they are not alone. I want others to realize that there are ways to memorialize their babies before it's too late. I want others to realize that there is hope along this journey. It may be faint at times. It may flicker from time to time, but there is always hope and there is always our babies to help guide us.

Hmmm... no wonder my eyes sting from tears and tiredness. All completely, 100% worth it though. Every effort... every thought... every memory... every ounce of love ... it's all worth it, buddy.

xo