Beyond Hope

Thank you to Franchesca for keeping this blog hop going. I feel honoured to be able to be a part of it.

I think the biggest thing that brings me hope lately is the return of my own sense of hope. I can feel it again. I mean truly feel it... and being able to feel so deeply and without inhibition again is truly something I never thought would be part of my life again.

Since losing Nicholas almost three ago, I have had glimpses of hope... I've seen the light.. I have won some of the battles. When I look into our other boys eyes, I am hopeful for their future. When we found out we were expecting again after Nicholas, although petrified, I could feel the glory of family start to surround me again. And when Miss Madison was born and safe and sound on my chest, I could believe in the beauty of miracles again. but if I am honest with myself, there was always a cloud reigning overhead. Always a strong feeling of something bad to come. I am certain that these feelings were my own... I am certain that my brain was protecting my heart and not letting any guards down. I am certain that when you go through something as life changing as losing a child your senses and your heart are permanently altered.

Lately I have felt a lot more free. Free from the heaviness. Free from the burden that encapsulated my soul for so long. Of course, I have my moments... my days. Sometimes I picture Nicholas beautiful, beautiful face and I literally must catch breath at the thought of him not being here. It's amazing how one small, split second can send your heart reeling.

Most of my days feel lighter and truly happier. I agree with Franchesca when she said "hope is not just about feeling it in your life, it's about choosing it." How incredibly true and what a changing experience it is when you finally realize that. As bereaved parents we can choose so many paths. One of despair and desperation or one of faith and hope. I am a firm believer that it is much, much more difficult to choose the latter. It requires indomitable strength, courage and a will to survive such tragedy.

There are so many women in this community that exude all of those qualities. Women I am humbled to call "friends". Women I have learned so much from. Women who have taught me to 'choose hope'.

Love you Ladies....
Love you Nicholas...