Coming off a fabulous weekend. The weather was actually "spring like" and I could feel the difference in the sun's heat. The kids had a blast. Road hockey, bike riding, chalking, tag, parties and tons of laughter. My heart needed that. The winter has been really long.
Then there's today. A guilty day. A day where I feel like it was horribly wrong to enjoy myself so much. Why should I deserve to enjoy myself? I have sinned. I "let" my baby die. I couldn't keep him safe. I let him down.
I realize these are 'irrational' thoughts. I realize that if there was anything at all I could have down to save Nicholas, I would have done it a million times over.... but there is always that nagging feeling of accountability. The feeling that it doesn't matter if there wasn't anything I could have done differently... I am his mother. He put his trust and faith in me.... and I let him down. My beautiful, red-headed, soft-smelling, precious, baby boy.
I write these words in honesty. In pure, raw and candid emotion. I share in hopes others can relate and realize that it's natural to feel this way, even if the feelings aren't truly warranted.
You can't dictate what your heart feels. It speaks the truth... sometimes it's a truth that is not understood or even accepted by some. But to those who "feel" it... those who live with heavy burdens in their heart everyday, they are real. They are true.
Sometimes I find myself succumbing to the guilt. Sometimes I feel like I must, in order to honour Nicholas. Ridiculous, I know, yet incredibly genuine.
I look forward to enjoying many more beautiful, warm, sunny days ahead. I may hold onto some of the guilt, some of the wishes, dreams of watching Nicholas toddle along the sidewalk.... but I will also soak up that sun and and thank him for the hand he has in sending it to us.
Love you, baby.
Mommy xx
Monday, April 4, 2011
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9 comments:
I wish I could just hug you right now. Days like this are not easy but I could relate. I wish you many nice warm sunny days ahead.
Oh Lea... Your words echo my thoughts. I often wonder if I hold myself back from enjoying life fully because of that guilt. A momentary break is always so refreshing though. I'm sure that Nicholas will bring you many beautiful days yet to come. XOXO
Words that are spoken from the heart, I couldn't have said that any better if I tried. You are not alone xxxx
You have a knack of writing exactly what I need to hear on exactly the right day. You have no idea how uncanny the timing of this post is, with what I've dealt with today.
Thank you Lea. Remembering Nicholas.
xo
The nice weather and hearing birds chirping again helps.
I can relate to what you wrote. The guilt, even though I know I couldn't have saved Jacob and I didn't "let" him die. But if I didn't, then why did he die? I was the only one he was relying on and I failed. Not on purpose, but I did. It is something that will haunt us all of our days I think.
Whenever I laugh or smile at something and then feel badly after, I imagine if the tables were turned and Jacob lived and I didn't. I would want him to be happy and smiling and enjoying life, while still remembering me. I like to think that our babies feel the same way.
That is so true, Lea. You cannot dictate what your heart feels.
Your post is so true and so real to me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending your sweet boy lots of love.
Such a beautiful post... from the heart. Thinking of you xoxo
I just found your blog and read your story and I am just...words fail me. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss.
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