Heartbroken... again

Firstly, thank you all for your love and support when I asked for it... and even when I don't. I feel such a strong connection to all of you and am truly grateful to have you in my life.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks.

We found out we were pregnant.

It was a HUGE shock and I struggled with the news for a couple of days.

I appreciate that some of you reading would be overjoyed with such news. I realize that there are many of you battling infertility and praying for a live, healthy baby in your arms. Please know that I, too, pray for you daily. To you, my words may sound harsh, but I must be true to myself.

I struggled with the news because it was a complete and utter surprise. We had been extremely careful... I honestly didn't know where I was going to come up with the strength to, emotionally, make it through another pregnancy. I barely made it through Madison's without losing it with worry, panic, etc...

Then it sunk in. I began to accept the fact that we had been blessed, yet again. Blessed to be chosen to be this little "blossom's" parents. Blessed to experience the deepest love on earth.... again.

We started making plans. Our current house is not quite equipped for another baby. We needed to do some "juggling"... some rearranging. It was going to work. I could see the future.

Madison was going to have a baby brother or sister so close in age. A best friend for life, no questions asked. An unbreakable sibling bond.

Then, the unthinkable...

We lost the baby.

I began spotting last Wednesday. And then cramping. I headed for the ER on Saturday. Had an ultrasound, some blood work. My Beta levels were okay. There was "something" detected in my uterus... but no heartbeat. I was told to come back in two days... Monday. The bleeding increasingly got worse and worse over the weekend and by Monday I was in a lot of pain. Went back to emerg...

"Fetal Demise"... another two words in the english language I'll never forget. I was suffering a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The bathroom became my enemy the last couple of days. Every time I would go I wondered just which part of our baby I was going to expel this time.... horrible, I know, but the truth.

I had a D&C yesterday. It's over. Done. And I'm left at a loss again.

This time around it's a little easier to convince myself that "things happen for a reason". With Nicholas, I will never accept that. There will never be a good enough reason that our youngest son isn't here... playing with his brothers, protecting his sister. This time, I have to believe that something must have been wrong. I have to believe that our "blossom" didn't make it because he or she wouldn't have been able to make it on their own. If that is the case, then I am grateful that "blossom" will never feel any pain... will never know anything but love and security from his/her mommy and daddy. I am grateful that he/she has Nicholas to welcome them...

We even played around with some names...

Cole Kenneth - boy
Cassie Christine - girl

And now, rest. For the body, heart and soul.

We will, yet again, pick up the pieces and focus on the positive.

We will remember "Blossom" and what could have been...

Loved you from the beginning, little one.

Sleep well and shine bright.

Mommy xx