Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Heartbroken... again

Firstly, thank you all for your love and support when I asked for it... and even when I don't. I feel such a strong connection to all of you and am truly grateful to have you in my life.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks.

We found out we were pregnant.

It was a HUGE shock and I struggled with the news for a couple of days.

I appreciate that some of you reading would be overjoyed with such news. I realize that there are many of you battling infertility and praying for a live, healthy baby in your arms. Please know that I, too, pray for you daily. To you, my words may sound harsh, but I must be true to myself.

I struggled with the news because it was a complete and utter surprise. We had been extremely careful... I honestly didn't know where I was going to come up with the strength to, emotionally, make it through another pregnancy. I barely made it through Madison's without losing it with worry, panic, etc...

Then it sunk in. I began to accept the fact that we had been blessed, yet again. Blessed to be chosen to be this little "blossom's" parents. Blessed to experience the deepest love on earth.... again.

We started making plans. Our current house is not quite equipped for another baby. We needed to do some "juggling"... some rearranging. It was going to work. I could see the future.

Madison was going to have a baby brother or sister so close in age. A best friend for life, no questions asked. An unbreakable sibling bond.

Then, the unthinkable...

We lost the baby.

I began spotting last Wednesday. And then cramping. I headed for the ER on Saturday. Had an ultrasound, some blood work. My Beta levels were okay. There was "something" detected in my uterus... but no heartbeat. I was told to come back in two days... Monday. The bleeding increasingly got worse and worse over the weekend and by Monday I was in a lot of pain. Went back to emerg...

"Fetal Demise"... another two words in the english language I'll never forget. I was suffering a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The bathroom became my enemy the last couple of days. Every time I would go I wondered just which part of our baby I was going to expel this time.... horrible, I know, but the truth.

I had a D&C yesterday. It's over. Done. And I'm left at a loss again.

This time around it's a little easier to convince myself that "things happen for a reason". With Nicholas, I will never accept that. There will never be a good enough reason that our youngest son isn't here... playing with his brothers, protecting his sister. This time, I have to believe that something must have been wrong. I have to believe that our "blossom" didn't make it because he or she wouldn't have been able to make it on their own. If that is the case, then I am grateful that "blossom" will never feel any pain... will never know anything but love and security from his/her mommy and daddy. I am grateful that he/she has Nicholas to welcome them...

We even played around with some names...

Cole Kenneth - boy
Cassie Christine - girl

And now, rest. For the body, heart and soul.

We will, yet again, pick up the pieces and focus on the positive.

We will remember "Blossom" and what could have been...

Loved you from the beginning, little one.

Sleep well and shine bright.

Mommy xx

55 comments:

Shannon said...

My heart, love, and prayers go out to you. {hugs}

croleyc69 said...

{{ HUGS}} and Praying , thinking of you so much. I'm so sorry. <3 <3 <3 Blossom <3

Love you all
Caroline

Adriana Davies said...

My heart aches for you...prayers are being sent your way!

Cheryl said...

So sorry for your loss...praying

With love and Hope,
Cheryl

Liz said...

i am so deeply sorry. :( there are no other words

m said...

Dear Lea, I am so, so sorry.

Courtney said...

My darling friend, my heart breaks for you and I'm so sorry you've had to experience another loss. Please know I'm keeping all of you close to my heart *hugs*

Andrea said...

Leah,

I will admit that I could not read your entire post, as the emotions lie close to my heart. However, know that I'm holding you close in thought and close in prayer.

Praying for peace to surround you. I only wish I could do more :(

Much Love to you,
xxx

Jill said...

Oh Lea, I am just so sorry. I know words cannot make the heartache go away, but know that you are so close to my heart. Sending so much love your way.

Bree said...

I am heartbroken with you. I am so sorry, Lea. Hugs. xo

Dana said...

I am so, so sorry! I hate that this has happened to you!

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks on Friday night/Saturday morning. I've known I was pregnant since Jacob's due date, October 14th. Trust me, I know the fear and the joy of finding out that you are pregnant again. And then the heartbreak of finding out that the baby died (I knew since 7.5 weeks that the baby was likely gone, but had to have a follow-up ultrasound to be sure). I started a new blog when I found out about this baby....http://mybutterfliesandrainbows.blogspot.com

I have also found it easier to accept this time. It was very difficult at first, but I accepted it after my second ultrasound on November 17th. I still haven't accepted losing Jacob, I still can't wrap my head around it and I will never get used to the idea.

Those are beautiful names.

I just hate that this has happened to you. It isn't fair at all. I'm here if you want to talk....sending you hugs and love.

Jaime said...

Lea, I am so sorry your little blossom could not have stayed longer. Please know you are in my thoughts. Sending love you way.

xo

Brianna said...

I'm so sorry that Blossom didn't stick around longer. Even though Blossom was a surprise and it caused you a rollercoaster of emotions, hold onto that love you felt for that little baby and treat yourself gently.

Barbara said...

Oh Leah, I'm so sorry.

Sending hugs your way.

xxx

Mary said...

Leah, I am very sorry that you have had another loss. I went from excited for you to very sad. I just can't imagine how you feel having known for a while. I wish there was more I can say to make things better. Nicholas is taking care of Blossom.

Erica said...

Oh Lea. I am so saddened to hear of your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are in my thoughts.

Angela said...

So sorry Lea. Hugs to you.

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry that your little Blossom couldn't stay Lea. My heart goes out to you xo

Hope's Mama said...

Oh Lea, I'm so very, very sorry.
xo

Lisette said...

Oh this makes me so sad, I am so sorry Lea. You are in my thoughts and prayers ((HUGS)).

JenJen said...

I am so sorry, ((hugs))

alliecat said...

Wow, that really is a rollercoaster. I have no words, only hugs to you dear Lea. Take care of yourself and thankyou for your honesty. Your beautiful soul shines through them. xox

butterflymom said...

So sorry for your loss, dear Lea. You have definitely been on a rollercoaster as of late, and I hope that things slow down for you soon. Take care, hun.

Fiona said...

I'm so sorry Lea. My gosh such heartbreaking news. My feelings would be the same if I found out I was pregnant again, I really don't think I could go through another pregnancy. Lots of love and take lots of care of yourself. xxx

Heather said...

So very sorry. Hugs and love to you.

Allison (Ali) said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Sometimes I wonder why we all have to continue suffering..

Many hugs.

Michele said...

I'm so sorry. Hugs and prayers for your family...

Tina said...

Oh Lea, I am so sorry. It is so heartbreaking to read this. You are in my thoughts. xx

ter@waaoms said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss. This little blossom matters and I know that Nicholas is taking good care of his sibling. ((hugs))

Elainna said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

Holly said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lea. ((hug)) I'm sure that Nicholas has taken your little one under his wing. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

Sarita Boyette said...

Lea, I just hurt with you. I'm so sorry about little Blossom. Just know you and your family are in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

Debbie said...

Oh, Lea. (((Hugs)))
I am so very sorry.
xxx

With Out My Punkin said...

Lea I am so sorry, thinking of you ((hugs))

Shandrea said...

I wish i had the words to say. But i will send you Hugs and my love and prayers. <3

Trena said...

I found your blog through Tina and I just want to tell you that I am extremely sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ((hugs)) to you mama ♥

mommy4boys said...

I am so, so very sorry. Continue to be true and kind to yourself. Sending hugs and love
Carrie

Heather said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sending hugs and prayers.

I don't know how I'm just now following your blog, by the way!

Jus and Kat said...

Oh Lea, I'm heartbroken for you. So sorry, just so sorry.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
Prayers for peace for you and your family.

Michelle said...

I am just so sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings you had in the beginning. I too have had them with one of mine. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!!

missliany said...

I am so very sorry for your loss...I'm sending you many hugs, thoughts and prayers.

klarsen said...

Oh Lea, I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of love and prayers. xo

Carmela said...

I am so sorry. I am sending good thoughts and love your way Mama.

Christy said...

I am so sorry Lea. Thoughts and prayers go to you and your angels. Sending you lots of love.
xoxo
Christy

jamie said...

So sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.

Karen said...

I am so very sorry....This broke my heart....

lost--for--words said...

Oh Lea..... I've been thinking about what you wrote for days now..... And I still haven't found the words I've been looking for. Just know that from the bottom of my heart you are loved. And so are your babies. Lots of strength to you and your family. (((hugs)))

crystal theresa said...

Lea, I am in tears. I am so sorry. My heart is aching for you, with you. Sending love and prayers to you, your family, and your Blossom. ((hugs))

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you. I also will never accept that there was a reason for Gregory's loss. My thoughts are with you.

Rita said...

So sorry for your loss Lea xx my thoughts and prayers are with u at this time

Tracey said...

So so very sorry to hear this sad news Lea. Many prayers for you and your family.

Carly said...

Lea, I'm so sorry to hear this news. You and your family are in my prayers and my thoughts. Sending you lots of love and big embraces, Carly

Monica said...

Lea,

I am so sorry to hear about you losing your baby! I am sending you my prayers.

Much love,

Monica

Betty said...

Hugs to you my friend. I am so sorry. My prayers are with you.

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